OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER!
IT’S FOOTBALL WEEK!!!!
Hit the jump for our 2015 preview and predictions.
Holy shit that was a long ass summer. Are you glad it’s over? Your humble editor’s Irish ass certainly is.
For our first post back, we’ll be walking through the 2015 in depth and explaining how Tech matches up with each opponent….
BAH! Just kidding! We’ll have a pithy remark for each one. It’s all they deserve anyways.
But first, an important announcement:
Your humble editor is retiring at the end of this season.
Yes, the NEZ has fully funded my pension and I can now retire to a sunny island in the Caribbean.
…or keep working at my real job that pays me real money in New Jersey.
But 2015 will be my last season at the helm of the North Endzone.
It’s not so much that I don’t have time to blog; it’s that I don’t have time to make a quality blog.
Obviously, we don’t do shit in the way of research for pretty much anything we post. But to make quality posts (or what we would consider quality posts), we should at least have a good understanding of the college football landscape and follow everything happening on the Hokies. This is where I’m finding myself falling short.
I just don’t have the time to follow everything, and as a result, I don’t think I am able to put out quality, profanity-laced tirades.
And putting out sub-par content (well… even subber sub-par content) just isn’t an option for me.
So with that, I’ll be doing my best to go out with a bang this year. Which shouldn’t be hard since, as you will read in our following preview, it’s going to be a pretty special year.
On to the season!
Let’s start with a quick overview of the team:
Defense is going to be great.
Offense is going to be a shitshow.
Game 1: Ohio State
Last year, everyone said we didn’t have a chance.
This year, everyone says we don’t have a chance.
Obviously, actual NEZ style preview will be forthcoming, but clearly, we’re winning this shit.
Hokies win 27 – 24
Game 2: Furman
No one knows Furman’s mascot, but if they’re not the Fur-men, I’m going to be sorely disappointed.
Hokies win a million to 3.
Game 3: at Purdue
Rumors say that Purdue is actually still in the Big Ten. NEZ staff have been unable to confirm.
Fun fact: Purdue hasn’t had a 10 win season since 1979!!
Hokies win 57 – 6
Game 4: at East Carolina
Hokies win 30 – 14
Game 5: Pittsburgh
Our joke of a conference schedule starts with Pittsburgh, a joke of college football program.
Hokies win 21 – 13
Game 6: NC State
Tech hasn’t played the Wolfpack since 2010. We’re in the same conference the same way Andy Dalton is a “Pro Bowl Quarterback”.
It’s technically true, but come on.
Hokies win 17 – 14
Game 7: at Miami
Last year, Duke Johnson rushed for 249 yards. Miami’s second string Gus Edwards rushed for 117. Even Gus Edwards was like “Wow really? Gus Edwards sucks.”
This year goes differently…. mainly because Johnson is in the NFL and Edwards is out for the year.
Hokies win 28 – 21
Game 8: Duke
Tech beat 2 ranked teams last year: Ohio State and Duke. Last season was weird, to say the least.
Hokies win 23 – 9
Game 9: at Boston College
Outside of UVA, beating Boston College may be the most satisfying victory each year. I don’t know why. Probably just residual hate of Boston in general.
Hokies win 31 – 13
Game 10: at Georgia Tech
F*ck Paul Johnson.
Hokies win 24 – 17
Game 11: North Carolina
Is North Carolina STILL allowed to field a team? How do individual players get suspended for accepting meals from friends, but this joke of an athletic department is still be-bopping along.
Hokies win 27 – 12
Game 12: at Virginia
Is it going to be 12 years in a row?
It’s going to be 12 years in a row
Hokies win 100 – 6
ACC Championship vs. Florida State
Hokies take over Charlotte as we retake our rightful place atop the Coastal.
Mocking Seminole chops are heard starting midway through the 3rd quarter and don’t stop for weeks.
Hokies win 38 – 12
College Football Playoff – Semi Finals vs. Ohio State
The only team with an easier schedule after Labor Day than Tech is Ohio State. They roll through the Big Ten, get the #4 seed, and meet up for a rematch with the Hokies.
We remind the Buckeyes who owns the state of Ohio.
Hokies win 24 – 21
College Football Playoff – Championship vs. Alabama
With the entire country rooting for us, Hokies deliver on their perfect season and bring a National Championship to that stupid empty trophy case they setup 15 years ago.
Hokies win 30 – 24
And there you have it.
As a thank you for your humble editor’s years of support / anger, the Hokies send us out on top.