Wear a freaking collared shirt. You coach a D-1 football team.
Hokies head to Pittsburgh, after the jump…
Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week
The Good Guys
We’ll go ahead and say that absolutely nothing can be figured out from the game against UNC.
Is UNC good? They let East Carolina put up 70 on them, so no, of course not.
Then they almost knock off Notre Dame in South Bend, so… who the hell knows.
What we do know is that we might be holding open tryouts to travel with the team tomorrow.
Here’s a recent picture of the Hokies:
Everyone is injured. The entire team is injured.
Except Kendall Fuller. He’s actually going to play every position for us.
The Bad Guys
Pitt lost to Akron.
2 years ago, they lost to Youngstown State.
Next year, they plan on losing to Kent State just to complete the “Lose to Every School in Northeast Ohio” trifecta.
The game is going to be super frustrating.
We’re gonna go ahead and copy /paste the above for every game this season.
It’s well known among our dozen readers that your humble editor is a big fan of Pittsburgh… the city, not the school.
In fact, your humble editor is a fan of pretty much everything Pittsburgh EXCEPT the University of.
Spending two years at Carnegie Mellon, just up the hill from Pitt, you learn a little bit about the school.
Mostly, no one gives a shit about football.
The stadium is built for an NFL team. There’s no character. It’s about 50 miles from campus.
Pitt games have the atmosphere of a story hour at your local library. More people showed up as extras in the Dark Knight Rises.
To be fair though, the Gotham Rogues have a much better football team than the Panthers.
Plus, there’s a 50% chance of rain tomorrow night.
Get ready to see a lot of students dressed up as yellow seats.
B-Dubs’ Factual Corner
Each week, B-Dubs performs some level of research (because someone around here has to) and provides analysis that has been described by sky-writing experts as, “Acceptable.”
Fact: Worst. Mascot. Ever.
Response: With all the history in the city of Pittsburgh, they went with a f*cking panther.
Fact: Students have to get on a highway to get to a home game.
Response: Everyone should know they share Heinz Field with the Steelers. Get your own stadium. Let students just roll out of bed to a game because that’s just the humane thing to do.
Fact: They sell beer at their games.
Response: Maybe we should’ve made a road trip to watch. A real live NEZ drinking game? Live Twitter feed? Outstanding!
Fact: Apparently Pitt has an average of 49,741 people show up to their home games.
Response: Is that for real? That can’t be accurate. Does anybody really care about the Panthers? No.
Fact: James Conner, their best running back, is also going to play defensive end against the Hokies.
Response: Either they are that confident they can destroy our defensive line with their other running backs, or they are woefully thin on their own defensive line. I’m gonna go with the former.
Fact: Did some research (I’m just as shocked as you). There are currently lower level seats going for $13.42 on StubHub.
Response: Please disregard fact 4. They clearly have huge issues with attendance.
Fact: Hokies are 8-5 against Pitt.
Response: Sadly, they have beaten us 4 of the last 5 times we’ve played. But hey, we beat em last year! Our offense was in scoring mode as we took care of business 19-9.
Fact: In the course of a few days, the Hokies went from 2.5 point favorites to 1 point underdogs.
Response: What the hell does Vegas know that we don’t? Absolutely nothing. They just got smart. Have you seen how we play against Pitt?
Fact: We’ll still win.
Response: I think.
Drinking Rule of the Game
In addition to our official drinking game rules, we’ll add a few game-specific rules each week. Next week (for real this time), we’ll be updating the official drinking rules to be more relevant to this season. Feel free to drop your suggestions in the comments, and make sure they will cause us to drink at least a dozen times a game.
Drink every time…
-You are able to actual hear fan conversations due to the sparse crowd
-They show the skyline of the city, mainly cuz I like it
-The announcers mention the SEC
Name(s) of the Week
Chris Blewitt, K
He’s a kicker.
His name is BLEWITT.
How… how is this a thing?!?!
Honorable mention: Lafayette Pitts, RB
Your last name is Pitts. So you went to Pittsburgh. A little obvious, bro.
Zombie Kill of the Week
Almost every game, D_w submits a Zombie Kill of the Week. Almost every week. He didn’t send anything this week due to the fact that he’s still drunk… Again. At this point, we think he might actually be dead.
Gratuitous Ghostbusters Quote of the Week
This year is all about exorcising some demons. So we’re going with Ghostbusters this season. If you don’t like it, you’re wrong.
Dana: Are you the Keymaster?
Venkman: Yes. Actually I’m a friend of his, he asked me to meet him here.
Last week, The Northerner and Maniak tied for the closest prediction. But since we overlooked HTHokies’ prediction of “F*ck it” from the week before, we’re naming him official winner this week.
That’s not really fair though, because you can pretty much predict that every week the Hokies play this season.
Some Snapps from 1991!
Really, this is just a flimsy excuse to show everyone this video:
How did this not go into a gag in Family Guy? THEY DID AN ENTIRE EPISODE BASED ON “SURFIN’ BIRD”!!!
Anyways, onto the predictions:
DiP: The hokies from the early 00s remember we don’t beat Pitt. Things will not be much different 20-17 Pitt.
D_w: Thursday night game away from Blacksburg, settle in boys, its going to be a long night. My prediction, 2 glasses of whiskey, 6 pack of beer, a bag of tortilla chips, a bowl of nacho cheese dip, and possibly some pizza. Oh and a score of something like 27-24, Hokies win on a 45+ yard field goal at the end of regulation causing ESPN to plaster BEAMERBALL all over their stories.
The Northerner: Thursday night includes: Hokies vs Pitt, Patriots vs Jets, and Bruins vs. Canadiens. This could be a very good night, or leave me in the fetal position on the bathroom floor for several hours.
Here are my picks for each: Patriots stomp Rex’s Rambling Circus 38-10, the Bruins pull out a last second win up in Montreal 3-2, making all the wannabe eurotrash choke on their poutine, and the Hokies win a close one in Shitsburgh 28-14, with the last VT TD coming off of a pick six.
If all of that (or better) doesn’t happen, just close the door and let me keep some dignity by crying in private.
Wright: Hokies 23-21, sack on fourth down seals the win. Can’t wait to listen to Rece Davis’ awkward ass for three hours.
B-Dubs: We always make Pitt look good. Hell, our offense makes any defense look good. That said, we’re gonna beat Pitt.
Hokiesmash: Joel Caleb and JC Coleman get injured, causing Kendall Fuller to play RB and CB. Fuller scores the only TD of the night for VT. Hokies continue losing ways in the state of Pittsburgh, dropping a must-win ACC road game by the score of 24-13.
Maniak: Hokies 18-15, The Northerner’s head explodes.
Poppa Gally: [Spending my inheritance in Vegas]
Token Girl: I’m listing in order of confidence level….Bruins will lose, Pats will win, Hokies will win, 24-21
CMU Football Analyst: As long as Larry Fitzgerald doesn’t show up to run fade routes into the endzone all day, the Hokies should be fine. VT 23 – PITT 17.
C Gally: In a long, frustrating game, the Hokies find a way to not make Pitt’s quarterback look like a Heisman trophy candidate (unlike last time we went to Pittbsburgh). Fuller with 2 picks. Brewer with NO INTERCEPTIONS! Hokies win 21-20.
Need to win in Pittsburgh?
Bring someone that knows their way around.
Pitt is on the trolley to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe if they think they’re winning tomorrow night.
LET’S GO HOKIES!!!