Any game against these baby blue douchbags is a game we want to win.
Let’s get to it, after the jump…
Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week
The Good Guys
Welp, that game was about as underwhelming as it gets.
After being gifted 8 points in the first like 2 minutes of the game, we essentially tied Western freaking Michigan at half time.
But we’re not going to get into specifics. We started drinking at like 8 am on Saturday so all we remember is that it was ugly.
One thing we do know?
Michael Brewer has TEN interceptions. TEN!!!
Christian Ponder thinks ten interceptions is a lot.
Our honest theory: Brewer was concussed badly in the Ohio State game and has not recovered.
In our many years of writing, might be the first time we’re being serious in our weekly preview. Mainly because it explains everything.
Anyways, we did not do anything to impress last week, so don’t expect it this week.
The Bad Guys
UNC gave up the following points per game:
- 29 to Liberty
- 27 to Whale’s Vagina State
- 70 to ECU… 70!!!!
- 50 to Clemson
What do those scores mean?
Absolutely nothing. Expect the Hokies to put up a solid 17 and hold on for the win.
B-Dub’s Factual Corner
Each week, B-Dubs performs some level of research (because someone around here has to) and provides analysis that has been described by sky-writing experts as, “Acceptable.”
Fact: If you’re a student-athlete, you’re guaranteed a top quality education at UNC.
Fact: Tyler Hansbrough.
This. This is all you need to know. Douche.
Fact: Butch Davis cheated and they still couldn’t win.
Response: Never won more than 8 games while cheating at UNC. Hell, in 2010, his “stud” team lost to crap teams NC State and Georgia Tech. They finished 8-5 that season. So much for the concept of buying talent.
Fact: UNC’s defense is ranked 120th out of 125 in yards allowed per game. They are 123rd in points allowed per game.
Response: Good thing our offense is a well oiled machine capable of exploiting such an awful defense.
Fact: Since it’s appropriate, Michael Brewer is tied for the NCAA lead in interceptions thrown.
Response: He has ten. MOTHER F*CKING TEN. IN FOUR GAMES.
Fact: Yet somehow, we’re 63rd in yards per game and 69th in points per game.
Response: Basically, we’re a decent offense with turnovers at the worst possible time.
Fact: But just because…we’re 120th in penalties per game.
Response: It was the best when our entire offensive line was called for a false start against directional Michigan. It’s just so true.
Fact: We had a 6’8, 300 pound offensive lineman commit to us the other day.
Response: Can he start immediately?!?! Holy hell. To quote C Gally: “is he the mountain from game of thrones?” Yes. Yes he is.
Fact: Like NEZ, Whit doesn’t like noon (or noon thirty) games, either.
Response: AT LEAST HE GETS IT. F*CKING ESPN MONEY. Read more here:
That’s it for this edition of facts. Go Hokies!
Drinking Rule of the Game
In addition to our official drinking game rules, we’ll add a few game-specific rules each week. Next week (for real this time), we’ll be updating the official drinking rules to be more relevant to this season. Feel free to drop your suggestions in the comments, and make sure they will cause us to drink at least a dozen times a game.
Drink every time…
-Tech is flagged for an illegal substitution
-Something about ECU
-Any ad for a business you cna’t believe is still in business (see: Food Lion or Yellow Pages)
Name(s) of the Week
Allen Champagne, DL
Not only does his name include alcohol, but he’s Canadian.
THEY HAVE A CANADIAN ON THEIR TEAM!!
We need to beat the shit out of these socialists to the north.
Zombie Kill of the Week
Almost every game, D_w submits a Zombie Kill of the Week. Almost every week. He didn’t send anything this week due to the fact that he’s still drunk… Again. Can you be “still drunk again”? We don’t know, but here is another file photo of D_w performing his job:
Elsewhere in College Football
This is a new weekly feature which allows us to rant about other stuff going on in the land of college football.
-Steve Spurrier lost last week, meaning that everyone else in the country won.
-Nothing else happened last week. It was the worst slate of college football games ever.
Hokie Motivator of the Week
Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie..something. We don’t even know how to preface this week’s submission:
The crack journalistic team at the NEZ has uncovered this semester’s Math Final for the athletes at North Carolina. It seems that their strict academic standards have risen due to the recent controversy of grade fixing at the University.
Let’s hope that they study hard this semester! There won’t be any gimmes this year.
Gratuitous Ghostbusters Quote of the Week
This year is all about exorcising some demons. So we’re going with Ghostbusters this season. If you don’t like it, you’re wrong.
Venkman: I’ll take Miss Barret back to her apartment and check her out….. I’ll go check out Miss Barret’s apartment. OK?
Last week, The Northerner picked the score EXACTLY correct.
Absolutely nothing. He made me do the predictions this year. He can cram it.
DiP: ECU put 70 on unc we put 21 on ecu….not sure how that helps….all I know is vegas has 2 point road favorites….24 -20 hokies …fair warning…if hokies dont win this week I will be picking against the hokies the rest of the way in.
D_w: Noon game.. noon game.. ACC Network.. ok got it, Saturday’s game will consist of terrible announcers and choppy satellite feed and the commercials won’t be as entertaining as ESPN U commercials.. Hokies win.. 28-13, Brewer gives false hope to the Hokie loyal when he manages to not throw 4 picks again.
The Northerner: UNC is bad. We’re bad too, but not as bad as UNC (please don’t have that statement bite me in the ass). While we can’t win at home against awful FBS teams, we love destroying awful FBS teams on the road. We win this big, only because Beamer wants to get all the fans off his back by winning against a formerly good team and then say, “See?! We crushed UNC! They’re UNC! Remember? They’re good at…things… All those other games where we shit the bed were the flukes, not this game. THESE games are REALLY what the Hokies are all about… Please don’t fire me”.
Hokies 42 – UNC 17.
Wright: I don’t know what’s worse, watching Brewer’s poor decision making or the ACC’s Food Lion commercials advertising Crystal Pepsi, Hi-C Ecto Cooler and Count Chocula cereal. Joey Slye boots the game winner, Hokies win 23-20.
B-Dubs: We probably win, even though Brewer will throw at least 2 interceptions and emerge as the nation’s leader in that category.
Hokiesmash: UNC has a putrid defense – Virginia Tech will make them look stout. UNC has a pretty good offense – Virginia Tech will make them look foolish. What should be a high-scoring affair will end something stupid like 13-10 in favor of Virginia Tech.
Maniak: F*ck. Hokies 35-UNC 24
Poppa Gally: [At the track… not the dog track, an actual race track for racing, he’s not a degenerate]
Token Girl: 2 picks, 1 fumblerooski. Hokies hopefully win, 34-28.
The Bull: [in Pamplona]
Hokie Ambassador to Lebanon: [in Lebanon, constantly has a good excuse]
CMU Football Analyst: So this game was a toss up for me. It depends which Tech team will show up. Either way, the Hokies pull out a close one, 28-27.
G-Way: Forget scores at this point. I think we should just all predict how many picks Brewer is gonna throw. I’m going with three, but the D and running game come together enough to get us an ugly 17-13 win.
C Gally: 17 -2, Hokies frustrate me so much that I drink a ton of beers in protest.
No effing clue who to go with here.
Let’s just go with an old standby, eh?
LET’S GO HOKIES!!!