Is there a way to express in written word a long, angry frustrated sigh?
Like, a mix of disappointment, a little “not again”, some “ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME”, and a dash of “why do I do this to myself?”
All the ranting to get you over it, after the jump.
WARNING: The next few hundred words are likely to be very angry and, for Virginia Tech fans, kind of depressing. We here at the NEZ would like you to remember that we wouldn’t trade places with any fan base in the country. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be absolutely f*cking tired of this shit.
You’ll get your pump-up song after we have our opening rantings. No one listens to Coheed angry anyways.
So last week…
If you’ve been a Virginia Tech fan for as long as we have, you were in no way surprised by what happened last Saturday.
Hell, if you’ve just started rooting for the Hokies in 2010, you probably had a pretty good idea what was coming.
This was a trap game. Literally the ENTIRE COUNTRY called this a trap game.
Apparently the only ones who didn’t know this were our coaches. Because they got absolutely WORKED on Saturday.
Why do we say “again”? Because this shit happens EVERY. F*CKING. YEAR.
Seriously, we looked. Yes, this loss was so devastating, it caused us here at the NEZ to actually do research. DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE REDUCED US TO BEAMER?!?! RESEARCH!!!
So do you know why it feels like this happens all the time? Because it definitely does.
Need proof? Let’s take a walk down memory lane, shall we?
SECOND WARNING: The following description of a decade worth of terrible losses may cause traumatic responses for those with a heart condition, are pregnant, or remember when we used to have decent special teams.
2005 – Yeah, we went back ten years. And we could have gone further, but our heads were about to explode. We played Florida State in the ACC Championship Game. Tech was 14.5 point favorites going in, and got thoroughly destroyed through three quarters. Tech needed to score 19 points in the fourth just for the privilege of losing by 5. This of course was also the year we played Miami at night in Lane Stadium. Gameday was there. We were ranked 3rd, they were 5th. We lost 27-7, and it wasn’t even that close.
2006 – Overall, the losses we had this year weren’t that bad. But there was the infamous Sean Glennon Chick-Fil-A Bowl against Georgia. Up 21-3 at the half, Tech lost 31-24. At one point, I looked to Poppa Gally and said “All I want is for Glennon to not throw a pick on this series.” Next play, interception. It was not a fun night.
2007 – At LSU. Aside from the obvious issue of losing to double digit underdogs, there’s also the issue of not showing up for big games. Tech was 9th, LSU was 2nd. No one’s going to blame a team for losing in Death Valley. But 48-7? That is not acceptable. We looked like a I-AA team. This was around the time where thoughts of ever winning a national title vanished from every Hokie’s expectations.
2008 – 11 point favorites against ECU in Charlotte, lost 27-22. As we’ve touched on, Sean Glennon played like such shit that Tyrod had his redshirt burned mid game. That’s insane. This was also the time when Beamerball began to lose all meaning, as we had a punt blocked in the final minutes to lose the game.
2009 – Losing at Lane Stadium starts to become acceptable as we lose to 16.5 point underdogsUNC at home. ….16.5 points!!!
2010 – JMU.
2011 – Tech ranked #11. Clemson ranked #13. Night game in Lane Stadium. The place is absolutely on FIRE… We score 3 points. 3. F*cking. Points. We lost 23-3. We got another shot at Clemson in the ACC Championship Game. This time we managed to score 10 points(!) and lose 38-10. Maybe Clemson had a good defense that year? Oh right, WVU scored 70 on them in the Orange Bowl.
2012 – 10 point underdogs Pittsburgh beat us at Heinz Field in the least intimidating college environment in the country.
2013 – Duke comes into Lane Stadium as 12 point dogs and comes out with one of their biggest victories in school history. Tehc was 16th at the time.
2014 – 10 point underdogs ECU makes our corners look silly and our offense completely inept to win with the easiest last minute drive ever.
So why go through all this? Do we hate ourselves?
Really, it was just to prove that we weren’t crazy in thinking this happens to us all the time. We don’t mind close, good game losses. We do mind being double digit favorites at home and getting worked.
It’s not just that we lose. It’s the way we lose that is always such a freaking gut punch. We are just so effing tired of huge, embarrassing failures on national television.
Clemson may have invented the term “Clemsoning”, but we perfected that shit.
Again, we feel the need to reiterate that we LOVE being Hokie fans. Yes, we realize that a lot of the above losses came in big games that other teams would kill to get to. And we’ve had some great wins, including just two weeks ago! No, we haven’t forgotten about those.
But that doesn’t make it any easier to take when you have to constantly make excuses for why we lose the same types of games year in and year out.
Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week
Ok, we done? Well, done enough to get to the real post. Let’s stop this crying about years past and focus on kicking some Georgia Tech ass.
The Good Guys
So this is what we have, eh? It’s going to be one wildly inconsistent year.
Apparently, all you need to do against this defense is slightly underthrow your receiver about 50 yards downfield to score at will.
We don’t even know any more.
There is one thing we DO know… our special teams SUCK.
Beamerball has literally lost all meaning.
Well, the meaning it used to have, anyways.
Now, Beamerball represents being absolutely f*cking atrocious at something you used to take pride in.
That kickoff out of bounds… my god man.
Not that our defense would have stopped ECU once they started passing, but it would have been nice not to just completely give it away.
Ok, ok. Seriously, enough with the Debbie Downer shit.
Because on Saturday, we get to play…
The Bad Guys
There are two things we’ve really, really come to enjoy since joining the ACC.
1. Now we get to beat UVA in a conference game.
2. Kicking Paul Johnson’s smug, chop-blocking ass.
Can you have a smug ass? We weren’t sure at first, but Paul Dickbag has proven that it can be done.
We don’t know much about this team, other than they needed a last minute drive to beat Georgia freaking Southern last week.
But here’s a shot in the dark: They can’t pass for shit and still run an option like it’s 1953.
Holy shit! it’s a noon game at home! FINALLY!!
If ESPN asked us to play at 9 am, we’d totally bend backwards to do it.
Don’t worry, next week is NOT a noon game! It’s at the wonderful time of 12:30.
Anyways, get ready to a super frustrating game that we should win by a lot but probably won’t as we let Gah Tech hang close.
Drinking Rule of the Game
In addition to our official drinking game rules, we’ll add a few game-specific rules each week.
Drink every time…
-They talk about last week’s debacle
-Beamerball is mentioned, but in a completely serious way like our special teams aren’t in shambles
-Fuller makes all the plays on defense (not sure how you can drink for making all the plays, but you’ll figure it out)
B-Dub’s Factual Corner
Each week, B-Dubs performs some level of research (because someone around here has to) and provides analysis that has been described by sky-writing experts as, “Acceptable.”
Fact: Urban Dictionary defines Georgia Tech as “A black hole for all things good nature. It consumes all things good. Students consume large quantities of beer and liquor to help cope with the daily onslaught of anal reemage from the faculty and staff.”
Response: Uh, reemage? Is that a real world? NEZ assumes they meant reaming, but who are we to judge. Regardless, it just goes to show you how much GT sucks. Yellow Jackets, prepare for total reemage by the Hokies!
Fact: Likewise, Urban Dictionary defines Paul Johnson (who knew you could really have a definition about a person) as having the “biggest balls in college football right now and walks around with an almost angelic glow.”
Response: Angelic? Who in their right mind would define him as angelic, and why? There are so many words that are better, such as godly, heroic, ballsy (appropriate, right?), etc. We at NEZ don’t agree with any of those, but c’mon, MAN!
Fact: WE ARE THE TECH.
Response: VT was founded 13 years earlier, so therefore, WE ARE TECH.
Fact: Playing against GT’s offense is f*cking dangerous. Nearly every one of their plays involves a cut or chop block (i.e. going right after your f*cking knees).
Response: Our defense is already injured, so you know PJ is going to tell his guys to be extra dirty.
Question: Yes…changing it up here. Get over it. So, Paul Johnson is a) a douche, b) a huge douche, c) a huge, raging, mega douche, or d) all those things combined into some sort of astronomically and insanely ridiculous huge, raging, mega douche
Response: Ummm…d? Duh.
Name(s) of the Week
Shaquille Mason, OL
We only picked this name because it made us realize we’re so old, a senior in college is named after Shaquille O’Neal.
Zombie Kill of the Week
Almost every game, D_w submits a Zombie Kill of the Week. Almost every week. He didn’t send a write up this week. Just this.
Elsewhere in College Football
This is a new weekly feature which allows us to rant about other stuff going on in the land of college football.
-USC lost to Boston College, which mercifully knocked us out of the top spot for upset of the week.
-Other things probably happened as well. We turned off the tv pretty quick around 3:30.
Hokie Motivator of the Week
Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie..something. Here’s his Hokie something from the Hokiesports front page:
It’s like he’s taking off!
Or reacting to last week’s pass defense.
Gratuitous Ghostbusters Quote of the Week
This year is all about exorcising some demons. So we’re going with Ghostbusters this season. If you don’t like it, you’re wrong. So what did we think would happen is we went into Ohio State and won?
Ray: Symmetrical book stacking. Just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.
Venkman: You’re right, no human being would stack books like this.
Last week no one won. Shutup.
DiP: Hopefully we can stop the run better than underthrown deep balls. 27 17 hokies.
D_w: Umm I thought the season ended with that dumpster fire of a game.. I mean it had the feel of the majority of our bowl games so i assumed it was the end.. so let’s say Hokies win 21-17
The Northerner: I held out hope that we had finally turned a corner this season, but the ECU debacle quickly scrubbed that from my mind. We’ll probably beat GT, because we usually do, and we’ll probably struggle against the triple option, because we usually do. Paul Johnson will have that stupid look on his face like he usually does, Frank Beamer will have two or three of those confused how-could-you-make-that-call-or-make-that-mental-mistake-even-though-it-was-an-obvious-foul-or-the-result-of-the-inability-of-the-coaches-to-prepare-the-players-or-get-them-to-focus looks during the game. You know the one. Once again we’re locked into a season where I just hope we beat UVA and I will be content. …ughh… This team makes me need ice cream and puppies way too often. 35-24 VT
Wright: Hokies 27-23. Fuller with a game – sealing INT late.
B-Dubs: I’ll set the over under on the chop blocks at 32. Any takers? Bud has his defense playing mad and Lefty gets our offense back “in gear.” Hokies win but it ain’t pretty…23-13
Hokiesmash: With three five-star recruits on campus, the Hokies come out punching. However, due to the noon start they find themselves in a quick 10-0 hole. They manage to battle back and win the game late. 17-10 final, VT.
Maniak: We win, but it’s ugly until late. 31-22
Poppa Gally: No blocked kicks, No special teams heroics, just a beat down of the bumble bees…… VT 35 – GT 17 [Editor’s note: Poppa Gally, for the first time EVER, is not predicting a blocked kick. THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE REDUCED US TO, BEAMER!]
Token Girl: [probably still getting ready]
The Bull: [probably still drunk]
Hokie Ambassador to Lebanon: [he’s in Lebanon, so he gets a pass]
CMU Football Analyst: Huge letdown last week after the big game against Ohio State. Things will get back on track back in the ACC. 26-19 Hokies
G-Way: We get angry and squash some bees. Hokies 31-GT 13.
C Gally: A boring, frustrating game that will probably result in having on less functional tv in the house. Hokies win, 26-21
Why change what’s worked for like, 5 years?
First ACC game.
The goal is to win the Coastal.
It starts on Saturday.
LET’S GO HOKIES!!!