Warning: the following post is both depressing and completely phoned in.
Just like our football team.
Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week
Hello darkness my old friend.
Last Week – Pitt
Full disclosure: Your humble editor did not watch the game.
I was attending something much more important with much more athletic ability on show: a 2-year-old’s birthday party.
You would think that in the complex game of football, you couldn’t just look at a stat sheet and point to the problem. But you would be wrong.
100 yards of offense.
100 f*cking yards of offense.
At home. In a conference game.
9 rushing yards. NINE!!!
And we still almost won!! That’s the craziest part!
“Unacceptable” doesn’t even begin to describe it.
I need a word that’s equal parts “anemic”, “atrocious”, and “abysmal”.
The Good Guys
The Hokies have a losing record for the first time since 4 weeks ago.
Where do we go from here?
It seems like fans have had enough.
It would suck for Beamer’s last year is so shitty, but that’s what happens when you refuse to address systemic problems for a decade. You generally do not get to go out on a high note.
But hey, Brewer is back!
Think back to last year. Did you ever think you’d be this excited to get Brewer back in the line up?
The Bad Guys
We don’t know shit about this team.
But we found this on the internet.
All we know is that we last played NC State in 2010. Pretty crazy to be in the same conference and meet each other once every 5 years.
I know we sound like an old man yelling at clouds, but it was nice back in the day when you literally played everyone every year. And you hated all of them with a passion.
But NC State? Yeah, they’re just kind of there. They’re like Pitt, but overshadowed by 2 in-state rivals instead of 1.
So we’re the type of team to play on Friday nights now, eh?
When did we join the Big East?
Ok, time to be positive here.
It would be easy to sit here and say shit like “Is anyone actually looking forward to watching this game?”
In fact, we did just that, but even we found that depressing.
So let’s look on the bright side!
Friday is the worst night to go out and do anything.
You’re tired from work all week. You won’t get home until 6:30 anyways. You have a big day of Home Depot and Bed Bath and Beyond schedule for Saturday.
On Friday, you just want to chill at home and drink an absolute truckload of beer.
WELL GUESS WHAT!!
You get to do exactly that!
And get the beers* ready. You’re going to need them.
*Also a ton of hard liquor.
B-Dubs’ Factual Corner
Each week, B-Dubs performs some level of research (because someone around here has to) and provides analysis that has been described by sky-writing experts as, “Acceptable.”
I mean, what…the f*ck…WAS THAT?! I mean, we put up 100 total yards in four quarters. 100 f*cking yards!! TCU, meanwhile, put up that many FOUR MINUTES into their game! I guess Beamer didn’t get his own memo that the exhibition games were over.
OK mini rant over. But for the love of football…we are just flat out bad. Anyway, on to NC State! What can I possibly say?
First, we all should just hate every school on Tobacco Road. NC State is probably the least worst of them, but it’s still NC State.
Next, you have this:
Yeah because this is what college athletes should be doing in the locker room. I wonder if they have slumber parties and pillow fights as well.
Somehow, we’re actually favored in this match. Well, we were when the lines opened up. I am not sure what Vegas was thinking, but for the thousands – if not millions – of betters that threw money on State to cover, then it’s quite possible Vegas loses some money. I don’t know if Vegas was confusing us for another team or what…
Honestly I don’t really know what else to say. So….
Drinking Rules of the Game
Drink any time…
-There’s a mention of better, more popular North Carolina schools
-We rush for over 3 yards
-There’s a reference to Friday Night Lights. It’s such a lazy, easy comment to make that only a hack would allow it.
CMU Football Analyst Something or other
Frank Costanza Retirement Rant
Since your humble editor is retiring at the end of this season, I’ll be using this section for random rants. Think of it as a weekly Hatefest. I GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!
This week’s rant: Not being able to come up something to rant about.
Seriously, do you guys have any idea how hard it is to come up with these things?
Being that angry all the time must be exhausting!
The only thing that pisses me off nowadays is Hokie football.
That’s it. End of list.
Do you know how plush the life of a not-very-popular blogger is?
There is nothing out there that could possibly piss me off more than this freaking football team.
Every minor or major annoyance has taken a back seat to seeing our football team rush for 9 f*cking yards.
Another week where no one wins! This is getting easy!
DiP: [Ed. Note: No response from DiP on last week’s offer. Let’s see if we can go another week of DiP not reading the blog he predicts for! DiP, if you text me the following phrase, I will give you $5: “I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.”]
The Northerner: Hokies 14-10. Offense sucks, defense sucks, Beamer makes excuses for everything. Same old crap.
If they don’t want to put any effort, neither will I.
D_w: [Ed. note: D_w didn’t actually send a prediction, just this]
Hokie Ambassador to Lebanon: Tech wins 11-3. The offense scores no points
B-Dubs: I guess it can’t get worse, right? Hokies win 2-0 when State mistakenly thinks it’s halftime and runs out of the back of the end zone.
CMU Football Analyst: Coming home will do the team some good. Tech wins 27 – 13. [Ed. note: Yes, the Hokies did in fact play at home last week. Some of you may have even been there!]
Maniak: Tech wins 3-2
This is how I feel…except I used to love you. Field Goal Extravaganza, 12-9 Hokies.
G Way: It’s going to be an ugly game with lots of scoring. I’m not sure how it will happen, but it will. Hokies pull it out 34-30. There’s a good chance actual magic will be involved to make it happen.
C Gally: In probably the worst game in the history of football, the Hokies pull out a rugged 6-3 victory. Everyone cries.
This week, we need a true legend.
Someone we can look up to emulate as best we can.
So this week, we’re going with…
The Fox from The Man Show
Trust us, on Friday, we will be doing our absolute best to live up to what this man stood for.
LET’S GO HOKIES!!!