Game 5: Pitt

Well, the preseason is over folks!

Time for games that count!

Guh….

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Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

Just unreal.

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Last Week – Purdue

We’ve got two points to make here. First one is quick:

We have never seen the refs affect the outcome of a game more than what we saw last Saturday.

It was absolutely incredible to behold.

Yeah, with fair reffing, we may have still lost. But when you get put behind the 8-ball like that all game, it’s that much tougher to get through.

Why even play the game if we’re going to let the zebras decide who wins? What’s the point?

Our second point: holy shit Frank are you serious?

Non-conference games are preseason????

Look, we get what you’re TRYING (poorly) to say.

But YOU CANNOT SAY THAT!!!

This is the shit Hokie fans are sick and f*cking tired of in this program: Losing non-conference games and bowl games.

Both of which, apparently, Frank just doesn’t care that much about.

So we hope you didn’t attend a non-conference game in the last two decades, because those didn’t really matter.

Can you imagine recruits right now, thinking about Virginia Tech, and seeing that quote??

Are we calling for Frank to be fired? No, of course not. We’ve said all along he gets to stay as long as he want.

We just want him to be better.

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The Good Guys

Fuller is out for the year.

That’s all we got right now. Settle in for a long f*cking year everyone.

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The Bad Guys

We honestly don’t know shit about Pitt (RHYMES!!)

Not because they’re not relevant… I mean…. they’re not relevant, but we don’t know shit about them because we really don’t care about them.

Nor does anyone else in the ACC.

Pitt is the honeydew of the ACC.

No one likes the honeydew.

But you need it, because it takes up space.

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The Series

The game is in Blacksburg, which is good because apparently Heinz Field is our unicorn.

Which makes sense. The fact that the place is so empty on Saturdays means your thoughts echo. It can really be distracting if you’re not used to it.

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The Game

No one is excited for this game, right?

Noon game. Everyone is hurt. Boring opponent.

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B-Dubs’ Factual Corner

Each week, B-Dubs performs some level of research (because someone around here has to) and provides analysis that has been described by sky-writing experts as, “Acceptable.”

 

Some people are fans of Pittsburgh football, including our humble editor. They’re (now) known for scoring billions of points, but have lacked the grit of defenses of old…

…oh wait. We’re talking about the University of Pittsburgh football. Ahhhh. Well in that case, some people still are fans of the Pitt Panthers (nobody knows why). But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Pitt Panthers or don’t really give a shit about them. The latter includes yours truly and probably the dozen followers we have. This write up is for all of us who really just don’t give a shit.

Their coach: Pat Narduzzi. His name is neat. What do I know about him? Absolutely nothing except he’s their sixth coach since 2010. Not much has happened since Dave Wannstedt’s time in Pittsburgh. 

Their team: You know, we’re f*cking lucky that their best player James Connor (RB) is out for the season. If an ECU QB can rumble for 170(?) yards against us, then I can’t even fathom what a good player would do. 

Oh wait they still have Tyler Boyd. The guy is a beast. Over/under on the number of yards he has against us is set at 2,000 (derived from serious discussion and calculation by CGally and me). I think Chad Voytik is throwing him the ball, but hell, I just don’t care. 

Honestly, the best thing about Pitt is this:

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F*CKING AWESOME. That was one of the best nights ever. They also nearly lost to Youngstown State. Then again, ECU lost to Navy and we still couldn’t beat them.

Why this game will suck: Well we’ve lost Kendall Fuller for the year. Our linebackers are just the worst. And well, as much as Pitt sucks, we suck too. Exception for Sam Rodgers. He’s just a mother f*cking badass.

Who will win: Nobody. Nobody will win this game. The players lose, coaches lose, and worst of all, the fans will lose. This game could seriously end up being just an absolute train wreck. Then again, there could be a ton of points if the defenses decide to stop trying all together.

The stupid things Frank Beamer has said in the last week:
1) “They’re exhibition games, they’re preseason games. Now it’s on to conference games. Now it’s down to being really important.”

2) “But when you start the conference, now if you win that, you’re going to the Orange Bowl.”

Statement one just shows how little Beamer cares about our national reputation. Who really gives a crap if we win the ACC? Sure, it’s nice, but is it really something to brag about?

Statement two is just moronic since the Orange Bowl is part of the football playoffs. Jeebus, Frank, is it really that hard to fact check?

Why Pitt sucks: Just because.

GO HOKIES!

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Drinking Rules of the Game

Drink any time…

-Anyone mentions Beamer’s comments

-SWING PASSES HOLY SHIT THE SWING PASSES

-You realize you only watch Hokie football as an excuse to get hammered by 3 in the afternoon

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CMU Football Analyst Something or other

Each week, the CMU Football Analyst sends us… something.

This week, he goes full on Pittsburgh:

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“Won’t you be my neighbor and STOP CALLING F*CKING SWING PASSES?!?!”

-King Friday

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Frank Costanza Retirement Rant

Since your humble editor is retiring at the end of this season, I’ll be using this section for random rants. Think of it as a weekly Hatefest. I GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!

We can’t muster up much of a rant this week. Saturday took all of our anger out of us. We’re just too damn jaded now.

Can we just say: “Draft Kings and Fan Duel commercials” and be done with it?

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Predictions

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No one wins last week. Everything sucks.

 

DiP: [Ed. Note: I think my favorite part of these posts is that I’ve stopped copying DiP’s prediction submission, and he has no idea because he doesn’t actually read the blog. DiP, if you text me the following phrase, I will give you $5: ” I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.”]

The Northerner: Hokies win 17-14. Now that the regular season finally begins, you better put up or shut up Frankie boy.

Wright: And that 1 Pitt win was in 2002 when they had Larry Fitz. Fortunately (or unfortunately because of effing Joaquin), I’ll be at the game. Planning to see an ugly win, 20-17.

B-Dubs: Just don’t care anymore. Hokies win 3-0.

CMU Football Analyst: Hokies are 5-1 at home against Pitt all time. They win a close one 27-24.

Maniak: Don’t. Even. Uggghhhhh. Win 35-34.

Token Girl: This is getting really depressing.  I’ll go with 24-21 Hokies.

G Way: I already hate the games we haven’t played yet. Hokies 21-10.

C Gally: The over/under of this game is the same as the number of people in Pittsburgh that care about Pitt.

Hokies win 35 – 10

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Hokie Hero

How do we play it this week?

We look like shit.

Everyone is injured.

Well, it’s not gonna do any good to sit here whining about it.

We’re in a hole!

We’re just gonna have to dig ourselves out!

And who’s the man to do that?

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Lloyd Christmas

We got no DEFENSE!

We got no OFFENSE!

OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!

LET’S GO HOKIES!!!

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