DcLGnSU

Game 4: East Carolina

Do we have a rivalry with East Carolina?

Some say “Yes”.

Others say “Shut the hell up”.

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Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

Absolutely no reason for this song. We just like it.

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Last Week – Purdue

REDEMPTION!!!

DcLGnSU

 

Defensive scoring!

Adequate offense!

A BLOCKED F*CKING PUNT!!

That game had everything except a decent opponent.

Seriously, it was fun, but Purdue is GARBAGE. And they kept it pretty damn close for too much of that game.

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The Good Guys

Against all expectations held by every member of the NEZ, Motley looked not awful.

We know that sounds snarky, but it might be exactly what this team needs.

Unfortunately, the biggest thing we need him to do is avoid making big, big mistakes. Like a scoop and score from the red zone. We’re not sure if that’s his fault for not recognizing the blitz, but it happened, so it’s on the offense one way or another.

Defense looks fine. Shocker.

But holy shit the special teams. Talk about bi-polar.

Can we get one freaking punt returner that doesn’t have the decision-making skills of a drunk freshman?

And what happened to our touchbacks on kickoffs? Is Slye slightly hurt, or are we just saying “screw the touchback, our special teams can tackle!”

We assume it’s the latter, because that’s a dumb strategy and exactly what our coaches would do.

But hey… BLOCKED PUNT FOR A TOUCHDOWN!!!!

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The Bad Guys

We know two things about ECU:

1. They beat us last year after what we’re calling the best win in Virginia Tech history.

2. They aren’t as bad as Purdue, but they also suck pretty hard,

Last week, East Carolina lost to Navy by 24……. 24!!

Is Navy any good? Well, we haven’t seen them play once in the past five years but…. No. No they are not any good.

Plus they’re the Pirates, and everyone know there’s only one team that deserves that name:

THE GREATEST BASEBALL TEAM OF ALL TIME

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Did you say playoff-clinching baseball team?

No. You didn’t. But I did.

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The Series

East Carolina has beaten the Hokies twice since 1993. Both times, Tech was ranked 17th.

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The Game

BUT WE AIN’T RANKED 17TH RIGHT NOW, BITCHES!!!!

(Can’t believe we’re bragging about that, but whatevs)

Looks like it’ll be better luck next time, East Carolina.

For the second week in a row, Hokies go on the road to hear chants of “LET’S GO HOKIES” from the crowd at 3:30.

We’re not expecting 51 points, but AT LEAST 50.

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B-Dubs’ Factual Corner

Each week, B-Dubs performs some level of research (because someone around here has to) and provides analysis that has been described by sky-writing experts as, “Acceptable.”

Let’s start with the simple fact that Greenville is a terrible city. It’s full of lunatics, criminals, and is just downright dirty. The place seriously looks like the ruins of a nuclear apocalypse and is just a terrible skidmark of Eastern Carolina society. But I digress…

Other than that, though, it seems unfair to hate on a school that I know nothing about other than hey always seem to be a huge pain in the ass when we play them in football. WHY ECU…WHY?! You’re worse than anyone who roots for the Patriots. 

What can be said is that they’re 1-2 and have lost to Navy and only beat Towson..f*cking TOWSON by eight points. That’s gotta mean something, right? 

Well this was the worst attempt at facts ever. It gets easier from here since we’ll start playing schools I know. This is why these facts only have to be “acceptable.”

GO HOKIES!

 

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Drinking Rules of the Game

Drink any time…

-Last year’s game is mentioned

-You hear any type of Hokie cheer on television

-You find yourself wondering how in the hell any respectable school could have purple in their colors

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CMU Football Analyst Something or other

Each week, the CMU Football Analyst sends us… something.

 

This week, he submits what I’m pretty sure is his finest work ever.

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Frank Costanza Retirement Rant

Since your humble editor is retiring at the end of this season, I’ll be using this section for random rants. Think of it as a weekly Hatefest. I GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!

 

I’ve been waiting on this one for a while, but the rage has built up to incredible levels.

This week’s rant is on the devil incarnate:

Cablevision

Many of you may be wondering: What the hell is Cablevision?

Well, in certain areas of the northeast, you can’t get Verizon or Comcast.

“GREAT!” you would say. “THOSE COMPANIES SUCK!”

But trust me, you do not know suck until you have Cablevision.

Here are my list of complaints:

1. You cannot rewind live TV…. I’m going to repeat that, because it bears repeating… YOU CANNOT REWIND LIVE TV!!!!

I mean, are you f*cking kidding me with this? IT’S 2015!!!!

And with my cable, you cannot rewind live TV. You have to be recording it, then be watching it through the DVR menu and not change to any other channel.

It’s unbelievable to me that this exists in today’s world.

2. “Well Mr. Editor, why don’t you just pause TV for a while, then hit play? It will record and you can jump back.”

That would be a nice solution, but for one problem: when you pause TV (which frankly, I’m surprised you’re able to do with this shit stain of a cable setup) and restart from the pause, the cable box will jump to live TV on the hour and half hour.

Who f*cking designed this shit?? Did they not think that this would be a f*cking problem?? Do they think no sports fans would want to possibly not get spoiled by future action?

3. YOU CAN’T F*CKING REWIND LIVE TV!!!!!

4. There’s no 30 second (or 10 second or ANY second) skip forward button. You don’t know what you got til it’s gone. Counting Crows, you were so right.

5. When you select a show on DVR, the cursor jumps first to the “delete” button. Just… WHY?

Ok, so many those last two were weak, but come on, YOU CAN’T REWIND LIVE TV??? DID I MENTION THAT?

Well… I thought that would make me feel better, but no, I’m still angry. So glad we have such a great competitive marketplace for cable television.

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Predictions

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Last week’s winner was D_w with a prediction of 42-17.

He wins… 4 BOILERMAKERS!

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DiP: [Ed. Note: DiP submitted a two sentence prediction that contained 3 spelling errors. Did you know he actually used to “write” for us?]

D_w: Hokies win. 31-14.. All TDs are on the ground or from the defense.

Poppa Gally: HOKIES!!! win by 30!!!!! 2 blocked kicks!!!!

The Northerner: Too drunk… again.

Wright: We get a nice buzz off of the Purple Haze and force a turnover on the first defensive series. Motley has 4 total TDs and Hokies win 34-16.

B-Dubs: After throwing for 425 yards and 6 TDs while running for another 85 and 2 scores, Motley firmly enters into the Heisman race…bahhhhhhhhh. But he will throw for 200 and 2 TDs while running for another 40 and a touch and the Hokies dominate 38-14

CMU Football Analyst: I think this is going to be closer than we think. Hokies pull out the win on a last minute field goal 17-16.

NEZ Ambassador to Lebanon: Too busy saving the world and stuff

Maniak: VT wins by the number of liters of beer I’ve had at Oktoberfest. … 7!

Token Girl: Fighting Gobblers > Pirates.  Therefore, VT 38-20.

G Way: Wait, we’re still playing ECU? I thought that series was over. What’s that you say? We’re playing them every season through 2025 (except, for some reason, in 2021)? Sounds like a great idea.

These bastards always seem to play us close for some unknown reason. Probably because they’re angry their mascot’s a pirate. This year will be no different, but the Hokies take the W after a strong defensive performance and just enough offense to get us by, 23-17.

C Gally: Hokies continue their domination streak and smack these fake pirates around so badly, this game will be rated R… No, not “arrrrr” like a pirate, movies aren’t rated like that.

Hokies win 35 – 10

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Hokie Hero

Were you aware that your humble editor’s favorite baseball team is the Pirates?

Probably not, I never ever mention it.

So to beat these Pirates, we need the best Pirate of all time.

Clemente?

Honus Wagner?

McCutchen?

Not even close:

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Andy Van Slyke

If you don’t know who he is, you should be ashamed.

Also, his kid plays in the majors, which makes me feel VERY old.

WHO NEEDS A BEER?!?!

LET’S GO HOKIES!!!

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