Game 11: North Carolina

One last Sandman…

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Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

As is customary, we break the rules for the last home game of a 29-year tenure.

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Last Week – Georgia Tech

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!

F*CK YOU PAUL JOHNSON!!

The only bowling you’ll be doing this year?

woody-harrelson-Kingpin

Little known fact: Roy Munson lost his hand from a chop block.

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The Good Guys

One win down.

One win to go.

If that game taught us anything, it’s that we need to RUN THE F*CKING BALL!

Well, it didn’t teach US anything. We already knew that McMillian was the best player on the offense.

But it seems that 10 games in, the coaches have finally figured it out.

We’re sad to see Beamer go, of course, but we’re pretty freaking excited about getting someone who knows how to run a functional offense.

And honestly, can someone run Stroman through the concussion protocol? There is absolutely no way someone could be so clueless about how to fair catch a freaking punt. WHY IS HE BACK THERE AT ALL?

Seriously, we are TEN GAMES INTO THE SEASON and he still doesn’t know a) when to make a fair catch and b) that you CAN’T F*CKING RUN AFTER MAKING A FAIR CATCH CALL!!

Beamer’s legacy will always be special teams. So thankfully he’s retiring now because special teams has become an absolute joke.

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The Bad Guys

Want to know how screwed up the playoff committee is?

UNC is ranked 17th.

Navy is 16th.

Is that serious? I feel like they’re just trolling us at this point.

Not that they give much though after #9 or so.

But this team is freaking good.

Remember how we lost to Duke?

UNC beat them by 35 and it wasn’t even that close.

Also love that their head coach could be our next head coach.

Come in here. We’ll kick your ass and take your coach. Love it.

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The Series

UNC is one of those teams we just don’t have an opinion about.

Yeah, they’re in our division and they’re kinda good every 4-5 years.

But they’re just… meh.

Probably the baby blue.

No one takes baby blue serious.

unc_girls_crying

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The Game

Are you ready for the most amped crowd ever to attend a noon game?

Lane Stadium is going to be ON FIRE Saturday afternoon.

Yeah, UNC is good, but let’s be honest… they don’t have a chance.

Beamer’s last home game? Get ready for a curb stomping.

UNC is on the bus crying by 2:15. They’re just gonna surrender.

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B-Dubs’ Factual Corner

Each week, B-Dubs performs some level of research (because someone around here has to) and provides analysis that has been described by sky-writing experts as, “Acceptable.”

UNC sucks. Their colors remind me of a crying baby in dirty diapers. Just a bunch of scumbag players and an athletic program better known as UNCheat. But I heard a new honor system was being implemented: yes, your Honor; no, your Honor…yeah, you get the idea. 

Somehow, someway, the Tarheels are actually doing something good this year. They’ve lost only one game and only have a handful of arrests. However, their team is still filled with a pack of stupid bitches and even their own alumni are talking trash about them. For example, “we are admitting guys who had a lot of trouble reading and writing, and they were taking courses like Arts and Crafts for Elementary School Teachers.” Stay classy, UNC.

It turns out their current defensive coordinator was also responsible for the academic scandal at Kansas. John Papuchis, under Mangino’s watch, apparently was the unnamed G.A. listed in the report as allegedly committing academic fraud. The football coaching staff also was charged with impermissible assistance for helping junior-college recruits become eligible before they were officially KU students. Excellent. Coaches being dirty…at UNC…shocker.

But then there is the ever popular paper classes. You know the ones where you basically don’t have to go and then just turn in a paper about whatever and you get an A. WHO DOES THIS? DOES THIS REALLY EXIST? DOES ANYONE AT UNC HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TO EARN A F*CKING DEGREE? 

But I digress…UNC just sucks.

GO HOKIES!

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Drinking Rules of the Game

Drink any time…

-You tear up a little bit

-You legit start to cry because you LOVE this team

-You threaten to murder someone because you HATE this team

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CMU Football Analyst Something or other

Each week, the CMU Football Analyst sends us… something. This week… well we have no idea:

Frank as Odin

The analyst also added that Carnegie Mellon made the post season in football this year.

If they can do it, Tech can do it!

Also, their running back led the nation with 190 RUSHING YARDS PER GAME

Looks like they know when to run the ball.

Are we looking at their head coach?

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Frank Costanza Retirement Rant

Since your humble editor is retiring at the end of this season, I’ll be using this section for random rants. Think of it as a weekly Hatefest. I GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!

ESPN

Apparently, Gameday locations are chosen by the criteria of “big game at boring location we visit all the time”.

Unless it’s a gimmicky place like North Dakota or JMU.

We get it, it’s all about money.

How much higher will the ratings be by going to Columbus? 1%? Even that high?

We just can’t any more.

Pushing Gameday to 3 hours was a pretty clear jump-the-shark moment for the show.

It used to be must-see television for Saturday morning.

Now it’s just background noise.

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Predictions

crystal20ball-301x356

 

With a prediction of 27-20, the Georgia Tech prediction winner is… Wright!

Since he’s an accountant, he doesn’t win anything. He’d just wind up declaring it on his taxes anyways.

 

DiP: [Ed. Note: 9 (9!!!) weeks still going, and we’re still trying to find out when DiP will actually read this blog.  So, as always…. DiP, if you text me the following phrase, I will give you $5: “I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.”]

The Northerner: Hokies show up for Beamer. Beamer pulls a series of incredible offensive plays out of the vault, plays he’s been saving up his whole career. UNC doesn’t know their ass from their elbow all second half. VT wins for Frank 45 — 13

D_w: Emotions will have the team riding high, Bud’s defense will come out and smack UNC in the face immediately putting them on their asses for the majority of the game.  Hokies win 37 – 31.

B-Dubs: UNCheat is going down. Larry Fedora is going down and then might be our next coach. Hokies win 27-17

G Way: Emotions are high, the atmosphere is electric, and our team wins a big one for ol’ Beamer with a pick-six and a blocked kick. Hokies 31-UNC 20.

CMU Football Analyst: A packed house propel the Hokies to come out to an early lead. Final score: VT 30 – UNC 27

Maniak: Hokies avenge assorted yearly bullshit. 58-7

Token Girl: It will definitely be a close one, but they will appear to be faster than normal in those black unis and they’ll win one for Franky….27-24 Hokies.

Poppa Gally: Same as last week 34 – 14 ………ONE BLOCKED KICK WILL REJUVENATE FRANK!!!!

Wright: Such a shame that this isn’t a night game, because the atmosphere will be electric. We go out and kick ass, simple as that. Hokies 34-20.

C Gally: Defense comes out cranked to 11. Hits UNC right in the mouth and scores on Carolina’s first possession. Hokies roll from there, 35 – 17

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Hokie Hero

We’re about to do something incredible.

We’ve always stuck with non-Hokie related heroes.

But this week, we just can’t do it.

BHjLl

Frank Beamer

One last Sandman.

LET’S GO HOKIES!!!

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