Game 2: Ohio State


This week we travel to Ohio, the state that even Indiana makes fun of.

The only person that chose to relocate to Ohio is Lebron, and he got paid a bazillion dollars to do so.

But this game is freaking huge.

So let’s do this thing.


Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

On a weekly basis, The Northerner sends me a video involving shirtless rednecks. I’ve asked him to stop, but the dude is just obsessed.


The Good Guys

Hot damn, it looks like we actually have a legitimate quarterback!

Sure, it was only one game. And sure it was against William & Mary.

But who cares!

It’s been so long, we forgot what a decent offensive drive looked like. It felt weird, but we liked it. Like how B-Dubs described the first time he snuggled with D_w.

Anyways, there’s only so much you can take from a game at home against an FCS school. But as usual, we are relentlessly optimistic.

So ACC Championship, HERE WE COME.


The Bad Guys

Ah, the Buckeyes. the highest paid football team in the state of Ohio.

Honest question: are they still on probation? Will they actually make a bowl game to finally cement the fact that the Big Ten is f*cking terrible?

At least they added powerhouses Maryland and Rutgers. They really wanted the to captured the most ignored teams in the New York and DC markets.

So you may have heard that Braxton Miller is out for the year. You heard this because he is the only name you’d recognize on Ohio State’s roster.

They’re still Ohio State, which means they’re good.

But wait, wasn’t Navy able to keep up with them last weekend???


The Game

Did we just say that Navy was able to keep it close against the Buckeyes last week??


This game is freaking huge.

This isn’t Alabama last year. We had zero chance to even be in that game.

But with a solid offensive showing and a few big plays, we can absolutely shock the world and win in Columbus.

And it would be damn nice to have a good showing on a truly national stage. You know, for the first time in what seems like forever.


Drinking Rule of the Game

In addition to our official drinking game rules, we’ll add a few game-specific rules each week.

Drink every time…

-Braxton Miller is mentioned

-ESPN shows a view of “downtown” Columbus

-Urban Meyer looks smug


B-Dub’s Factual Corner

Each week, B-Dubs performs some level of research (because someone around here has to) and provides analysis that has been described by sky-writing experts as, “Acceptable.”

Fact: This guy played for OSU from 2005-2008, but this was too good to pass up. James Laurinaitis could have picked a better sport than football. If not football,the linebacker could have picked professional wrestling as his other sport. The St. Louis Rams’ linebacker is the son of pro wrestler Joe Laurinaitis, who is better known in WWE as “Road Warrior Animal” from the legendary tag-team “Road Warriors.”
Response: NFL or Pro Wrestler. Seriously? This guy clearly made the wrong choice.

Fact: Ohio State enters our game with the nation’s longest regular season winning streak at 25 games.
Response: Urban Meyer should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

Fact: Ohio State is 112-8-4 all-time in home openers since 1890.
Response: Urban Meyer should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

Fact: Virginia Tech’s record vs top 10 teams is 8-46-0. Even UVA has managed an 8-43-1 record!
Response: Urban Meyer should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

Fact: Michael Brewer looked like a quarterback on Saturday!
Response: Urban Meyer should…no just kidding. Not this time. It was actually a refreshing change to see this! Not to mention that our running backs actually carried the ball more than our QB! That happened, maybe one time, last season!

Fact: We will beat Ohio State.
Response: Yes. We. Will. Go Hokies!


Name(s) of the Week

Tracy Sprinkle, DL


Clearly none of us are messing with a dude that’s 6-3, 285.

But if this isn’t some “Boy Named Sue” type of shit, we don’t know what is.


Zombie Kill of the Week

Almost every game, D_w submits a Zombie Kill of the Week. Almost every week. But who doesn’t love a good non-blindside sackfumble?

Anyone else feel like they hit their head while watching the game? That wasn’t really the Hokies we have come to watch lately, right? Well that better continue in Columbus this weekend, and I expect more options for Zombie Kills next week, possibly from the offense, McKenzie is a big boy at RB, he should start really laying the hammer down.. but I am getting side tracked, this weeks hit comes from Chase Williams #36, shortly after the announcer said he was a bit undersized and has problems tackling players… he didn’t seem to have any problem planting the QB from W&M into the ground. Maybe next week I will go for 2 weeks in a row of Zombie Kills, or maybe I will get lazy again and forget.. so enjoy this one.


Elsewhere in College Football

This is a new weekly feature which allows us to rant about other stuff going on in the land of college football.

-Clemson was stomped by Georgia. So it looks like reviving the ACC is up to us.

-We have been on vacation all week and literally have no idea what’s happening in the sports world. We heard there was something starting on Thursday, but we’re not quite sure.


Hokie Motivator of the Week

Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie..something.

But this week, he didn’t.

He’s busy performing best man duties at a wedding.

A fall wedding.

A fall wedding in which your humble editor is attending.


This brings up two items of note.

One: since your humble editor is attending this wedding, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst is clearly not “the best man”.

Two: take a wild guess how the football team at the groom’s alma mater would be described…

If you guessed “National Merit Scholars”, you are correct.

Friends don’t let friends make friends at Carnegie Mellon. Also, JMU.

Even UVA alums have the decency to not schedule a fall wedding. They really appreciate the time to tell people to wait until basketball season.


Gratuitous Ghostbusters Quote of the Week

This year is all about exorcising some demons. So we’re going with Ghostbusters this season. If you don’t like it, you’re wrong.

Ray: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.

Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!

Mayor: Is this true?

Venkman: Yes it’s true…. This man has no dick.




Last week, the Token Girl guessed the score EXACTLY RIGHT!

That’s pretty insane and totally worth some sort of decent award.

Instead, you get…


A Token doll!

Get it?? Get it???? Cuz she’s also a token.

On to this week’s picks!

DiP: Line is going off at osu -10. Hokies 20 osu 13. However smart money is on the hedge.

D_w: Fuller is bitter that he didn’t come down with the one handed INT last weekend, look for him to have 2 INTs in Columbus while Brewer throws only one TD but Mckenzie and Williams combine for a 250 yards rushing and 2 TDs. OSU gets smacked in the mouth by the run game and Bud Foster, Hokies Win 21-16

The Northerner: Hold up. We have a receiving corps that can catch the ball and a QB that can actually hit his receivers? This might not be as painful as I thought. Hokies go into the horseshoe and come out swinging. OSU realizes what happened a little too late. 35-24 Hokies. Bud Foster jimmy-taps Urban Meyer at the handshake.

Wright: OSU comes out flat and we jump on them early with a nice comfortable lead at half. OSU makes a run in the second half to close the gap and cause OSU fans to bust a Buckeye nut, but misses a last-second FG. We come away with a 23-21 win, Brewer has another efficient passing day, and Bud celebrates by dropkicking Brutus Buckeye.

B-Dubs: Ladies and germs, let me bring up June 17, 1994. In case you don’t remember, it was the day of the infamous O.J. Simpson chase. Now, why, you ask, is this relevant? Well it’s because of where he was hiding BEFORE the famous white Bronco chase. Where was he you ask? Well, on the Ohio State University campus because that’s the LAST place you would find a football player. BAZINGGGGGGGGG! And with that being said, the Hokies bitchslap the Bucknuts in Columbus and win 34-13.

Hokiesmash: Shai McKenzie puts on a performance similar to the one Trey Edmunds put together last year against Alabama. Michael Brewer will be conservative, but efficient. The defense will struggle at times to contain the Ohio State wide receivers, but Brandon Facyson makes a big pass deflection in the fourth quarter. Hokies win 20-17 and stun the pot-leaf looking Buckeyes.

Maniak: 31-27 with brewer/mckenzie putting us on the board eaelye but osu’s defense stiffening in the second half and us getting a turnover late to kick the field goal that puts us up four. Hokies win.

Poppa Gally: The horseshoe will be silent when the Hokies score first on a blocked kick and don’t look back! Hokies 28 – buckeyes 24!

Token Girl: Fans run onto the field during halftime and mess up band’s show and can’t dot the i. Reality: It’s a real close one….Hokies 24-21. I BELIEVE.

The Bull: Hokies win 27-24 (Sorry Poppa Gally — I realize I just did to you what the person who bids last on the Price Is Right always does. The bottom line is that Va Tech can win this game, but only by adapting and not playing typical Hokies football. That’s right, the Hokies will win this one with the passing game. (The) Ohio State University has an excellent defensive line, rushing yards will be hard to come by. But the Buckeye’s secondary struggled against the pass last year, and Navy only threw the ball four times against them last week. Look for Coach Loeffler to take advantage of this and for Michael Brewer to have a big game.

CMU Football Analyst: Without Braxton Miller, the Buckeyes can’t do anything on offense. 24 – 17 hokies

G-Way: The Buckeyes meet a real defense this weekend as we nab two INTs and a safety, and our offense makes us believe with a solid running game and efficient play from Brewer. Hokies 22-13.

C Gally: Poppa Gally and I offend a lot of people at the wedding by watching the game on our phones, but it’s worth it to see the Hokies pull off the hugest awesomest upset ever. 24-23. SHOCK THE WORLD!!


Hokie Hero

No messing around.

We need someone to inspire an upset of epic proportions.


Great moments are born from great opportunity.

And that’s what you have here tonight, boys.

That’s what you’ve earned here, tonight.

One game.

If we played ’em ten times, they might win nine.

But not this game. Not tonight.

Tonight, we play with ’em.

Tonight, we stay with ’em, and we shut them down because we can!

Tonight, we are the greatest football team in the world.

You were born to be football players — every one of ya.

And you were meant to be here tonight.

This is your time.

Their time — is DONE. It’s OVER.

I’m sick and tired of hearin’ about what a great football team the Buckeyes have.

Screw ’em!