Game 8: Duke

We're not even going to try and fool you this year. We're using this picture FOREVER! It's our blog and we can do what we want.


UVA lost. WVU lost. Everyone in the entire world lost last week!

Best. Bye Week. Ever.

We'll cover at least 10% of it, after the jump.


Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

We will definitely be doing more than shouting.

You could probably shout and beat UVA at this point.


What an awesome freaking bye week. Who knew not having to watch a middling offense for 3 hours could be so much fun?

(We kid, we kid. We would watch Bud Foster coach anything. Little league. Beer league. Even the WNBA!)

Watching the UVA meltdown was the best thing ever in the history of the world.

They were up 22-0!!!

Against DUKE!

At home!…. Wait, that doesn't really matter.

We understand not wanting to fire someone because their contract is too big. But how in the F*CK does Mike London have a contract that big? Easily one of the top 50,000 poor decisions made in Charlottesville in the past 4 years.

The other 49,999 relating to wardrobe choices.

Why is he holding 3 other belts??

It's just a shame that FSU and Clemson didn't both lose.


The Good Guys

Your 14TH RANKED VIRGINIA TECH HOKIES are bowl eligible, people!

Isn't it much nicer taking care of that before the very last game of the regular season?

This defense. Good God, y'all.

That Pitt game was a freaking suffocation.

I've never been so confident with a 10-3 lead at halftime.

Pitt had 210 yards FOR THE ENTIRE GAME.

Badass of the week goes to Who's Your Dadi Nicholas (DRINK!) and Derrick Hopkins.

There were also some decent Zombie Kills! It took 7 games, but they finally made an appearance!

As for this week's game? Well, is there any reason to expect anything different?

Also, we have an offense. Here's hoping we can perform in both halves this week.


The Bad Guys

F*ck Duke.

Oh.. you wanted more info?

Well, apparently they aren't terrible. Sure, they've lost to Pitt and Georgia Tech (who are both terrible)


The Game

Guh another noon… WAIT. WHAAAAAT??? A 3:30 start?? At home?? Apparently we've decided that football is fun again!

The Hokies are favored by 13. We should win this game.

This shouldn't be anything new, but expect a lot of defense and mediocre offense. If we can string together two successful halves on the offensive side of the ball, this one could be in the bag early.

You know, since we're not so terrible that we give up 22-0 leads.

At home.


F*cking UVA…


Drinking Rule of the Game

In addition to our official drinking game rules, we'll add a few game-specific rules each week.

-Drink every time basketball is mentioned.

-Drink every time you see an actual Duke fan.

-Drink twice is that Duke fan has a stupid mop-top haircut.


B-Dub’s Factual Corner

Each week, B-Dubs performs some level of research (because someone around here has to) and provides analysis that has been described by sky-writing experts as, "Acceptable."

Fact: "When the Duke Blue Devils own you, you have a program facing serious questions." 

Response: This is what a UVA fan said after losing to Duke. 

Fact: "When your team blows a 22-0 lead at home to Duke, what hope is there to beat Georgia Tech, Clemson and Virginia Tech at home or North Carolina and Miami on the road?"

Response: This is another classic quote from a UVA fan. 

Fact: It's MOTHER F*CKING DUKE. Regardless of how they improve every year, it's still Duke. 

Response: Not much else needs to be said. We won't be saying things like that because well, let's face it, it's Duke.

Fact: Duke's had a total of 10 ACC Players of the Year in football. 

Response: That's actually the most from any team in the ACC. WTF?!

Fact: They used to be good at football. I'm not sure how that's even possible, but somehow, someway they were good.
Response: It wasn't until 1994 that they actually started to really suck. What in the world happened? And no, Coach K was already successful with bball way before that. 

Fact: In 2008, a judge ruled in favor of Duke after they pulled out of a four-game contract with Louisville. Apparently Duke's lawyers had persuasively argued that any Division I team would be equivalent or better.

Response: Bahahaha. ANY D1 team would be better? Ouch…talk about your ultimate burn. No wonder everyone hates lawyers. These were probably the same guys who got the lacrosse players out of hot water. 


Name of the Week

Rather than pick just one, we're just going to list the preppiest, whitest names on the team.

Warning: There are multiple.

Spencer Rogers

Parker Boehme

Jackson Conway

Casey Blaser

Sterling Korona

Tanner Stone

It's a good thing these guys got football scholarships. Trust funds are just just not worth what they used to be.

God, at last week's UVA-Duke game, there was more old money than a shipwreck.


Zombie Kill of the Week

Each week (or whenever he feels like getting off his lazy ass), d_w submits a Zombie Kill of the Week. And… HOLY SHIT HE HAS ONE FOR US!! OH HAPPY DAY!

The last time the Hokies played was on October 12… extended time off means extended zombie kill feature, well not really you get more options when the team gives us more options… So here we go!  We’ve got four potential Zombie Kills this week, Brandon Facyson, Logan Thomas, Kyshoen Jarrett, and Bud Foster. Yep you read that right, Bud Foster is nominated this week for Zombie Kill.  Let’s see how they all stacked up against each other..

In previous weeks Facyson and LT3 might have been able to take home the title but going up against Bud Foster, not a chance! Even this week Bud couldn’t bring home the title against Jarrett.  This week’s Zombie Kill has to go to Kyshoen Jarrett who lays out a Panther WR who was thinking about nothing but the endzone, Kyshoen reminded him that he needs to keep his head on a swivel and watch out for the free safety in coverage over the top.  


Elsewhere in College Football

This is a new weekly feature which allows us to rant about other stuff going on in the land of college football.

-The SEC sucks!!!

-We should have known it was going to be a crazy weekend when Louisville lost on Friday. Well, they were super overrated, so maybe not.

– #3, #6, #7, #9, #11, #15, #20, and #22 all lost. Insanity.

-And Baylor won 71-7. In conference. The Big 12 is terrible. Baylor is going to go undefeated and be jumped for the title game by a 2-loss SEC school. Maybe two of them.


Random Gif of the Week

By far, the best Kool-Aid related picture in the history of sports.


Hokie Motivator of the Week

Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie..something.  



Gratuitous Hot Rod Quote of the Week

Yes, we are changing it up again this year. We've already rolled through the two most quotable movies in history, Tommy Boy and Dumb and Dumber. So now we're going with a personal favorite. If you haven't seen Hot Rod, go rent it now. Have no expectations, and drink at least a 6-pack before you start it.

Frank: Never sneak up on a man who's been in a chemical fire.


Hokie Hero

 We've gone with the same Hero every time we play Duke.

And every time, he's delivered.

12 in a row*.

*May include games prior ro our blog existing. Or any blogs existing.


We turn, of course, to the man that knows his shit around devils.

Father Karras from The Exorcist







Game 8: Duke


Ahhh, the annual Duke drubbing. Is it here already?

To change things up a bit, we’re going to make this the first Duke post to not include the Paulus-Deron-Teabag picture.



BAH!! Who are we kidding? We are what we are.


Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

Led Zeppelin. Appropriate metaphor for Duke’s football team.


So we are ranked again. This probably says more about how mediocre college football is at the moment than the quality of our team.

We’ve beaten NC State on the road. But to be honest… they’re ok.

Whatevs. Some people take the stance that we need a down year to change things. While this is probably true, we’ll still root for those ten wins whole-heartedly, and we know you will too.


The Bad Guys

They suck… like, real bad.

Apparently they employ some sort of two quarterback system. Past experience tells us that this is a flawless strategy.

It really doesn’t matter when both of them suck, though.

Last week we played a team that lost to a not-terrible Navy. This week we play a team that lost to a completely horrible Army.

Duke lost to freaking Army. Their best win was losing by 15 to Miami.

They’re going to finish the season with one win.

We talked to Heather Dinich though, and she said NEXT year is their year.


The Good Guys

RMFW is listed as “Probable.” Here’s hoping his playing is “Limited.”

It would be nice for him to see some time before Georgia Tech, but there should be no reason to run him into the ground.

That is, as long as the offense takes care of business early again.

How great was it to relax for once? Let’s make it two weeks in a row.

As far as defense goes, we have no idea what to do. It looks like we’re missing linebackers, based on how many big runs we gave up against Wake.

But we’re hoping Duke’s offense sucks enough for it to not matter. We’ll wait until we play a real team to worry.

We’d like to say more about our hard-hitting defense, but DW has been nothing but a slacker since his promotion to “Writer Bitch.” GET ME A ZOMBIE KILL!


The Game

Like we said, let’s take care of this one early, and everything will be ok.

Speaking of early, it’s another noon game. Whatevs. Bitching about noon games is getting as old as bitching about grad school.

Wake up early. Drink your face off at the tailgate. Watch a crap football game. Nap. Dinner. Drink your face off at night. Drive home Sunday, feeling like balls.

Your weekend will be better than 99% of the country.


Hokie Motivator of the Week

The CMU Football Analyst takes a break from his number-crunching once again…

Ah, the imfamous Duke Sexual Intercourse List.

Know who’s not on the Duke F*ck List? Strippers from North Carolina Central.


Nickname Finalists

So Davon is either going as Dexter or The Coroner. Thoughts?

As for Nosal, we’re going with Dave in NC suggestion of Greg “Bloody” Nosal. It’s likely that we’ll never mention him again, but he’s still badass number 1 in our book.


Replacement Offensive Coordinator

Even though Father Karras kicked ass last week, and we could totally use him this week, we have to change it up.

We’ve had success with pairs, and if you’re one of the thirty people that saw the sequel, you’ll know this pair escaped outsmarted the devil himself.

We’re talking about two of the greatest heroes of our time.


Bill S. Preston, Equire and Ted “Theodore” Logan


Strange things are afoot at the Circle Lane.