Game 4: Marshall

Who's ready for a noon game against Conference USA?!?!

Don't laugh. This is like our 2nd best home game of the year.



Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

Did we pick this song because it starts out with "KICK IT!!"….

Yes. Yes we did.


East CarolinaThoughts

Dude. Cody. What the f*ck was that?

You attempted 2 field goals and 2 extra points. The defense got a safety and out scored you.

But he's not the only disappointing part of that game. Are we sure Logan Thomas isn't screwing with us? Do you think he knows we drink for every over-throw?

This was our first game on Fox Sports 1. We were hoping for something different than ESPN…. we were wrong.

How's about the in-game advertisements on the side and bottom of the screen? Or the exact same bottom line score ticker THAT SERVES NO F*CKING PURPOSE WHATSOEVER.

We're watching Fox Sports 1. WE HAVE THE INTERNET. There is literally no reason for the bottom line. If there's a score I'm interested in, I'll look it up on this magical device called a computer. Or a smart phone. Or any of the other multiple devices we all own to look this shit up.

Why did the bottom line become the standard? Want to differentiate yourself? Get rid of it.

I'm sure that little rant on a barely-read Virginia Tech football blog will make a big difference. YOU'RE WELCOME EVERYBODY!


The Good Guys

Hot damn, that defense is awesome. And as long as we have a defense, we have a chance. Hell, we won multiple ACC championships with literally no offense whatsoever. You can do anything if the other team only scores 10.

Also, there's this little nugget. Just to show how inept our special teams are, check here for the run-up to the Texas A&M game:

Day 4: Wednesday
11 a.m.: A&M assistant Jeff Banks, seeking a little intel after seeing Alabama's Christion Jones return both a kickoff and a punt for touchdowns against the vaunted Virginia Tech special teams, calls his pal Shane Beamer up in Blacksburg.

Banks shares Beamer's advice with his colleagues in the offensive staff room: "He said, 'Don't put walk-ons on your coverage teams.'"


Is Shane now officially the most competent Beamer on the coahcing staff?


The Bad Guys

Yeah, we don't know anything about these guy other than they aren't bad.

In their first two games, they scored 107 points. We are hoping to break triple digits some time in late October.

We also got this sent in from the CMU Football Analyst:

When googling Marshall University Student, the 4th picture that comes up in Google images is of a bunch of bottle rockets. Pretty sad when you can only muster 3 images of actual people before you get into really obscure objects.

We were about to just write this off with a joke about nothing to do in Huntington… but then we decided to check out WHY bottle rockets showed up.


Yes. That headline is, "Student injured after dude shot bottle rocket from anus can’t sue Marshall University."

Clearly, that isn't a reputable newspaper. Unless "dude" is part of an acceptable headline nowadays.

Don't worry. Alcohol was involved.


The Game

If we can take care of business, it could be an enjoyable afternoon.

If we STILL can't get shit going on offense, it could be a very nerve-wracking game.

So we'll give you our usual advice.

Take two six-packs and call us in the morning.


B-Dub’s Factual Corner

Each week, B-Dubs performs some level of research (because someone around here has to) and provides analysis that has been described by sky-writing experts as, "Acceptable."

Fact: Marshall football has only been at the 1A level since 1997.
Response: Makes you wonder why Randy Moss went there.

Fact: The football team has two national championships.
Response: Sure, they were at the 1AA level, but that's still two more than VT. Ugh.

Fact: Marshall is 118-19 when playing at home (.866 winning percentage). Alabama ranks second in that category at .825.
Response: Holy shit! Good thing we're playing them in Lane.

Fact: Their offense is putting up 527 yards and 46 points a game.
Response: So what if it's been against three crappy opponents. We're putting up 328 yards and 23 points a game. Consider me jealous.

Fact: Their mascot is Marco the Buffalo.
Response: Why Marco, you may ask (because let's face it…a buffalo named Marco is just weird)? Well, it turns out it derived from MARshall COllege and the name was kept when Marshall became a university. Touche, Marshall…touche.

Fact: I went on a handful of dates with Doc Holliday's daugther.
Response: Seriously. Really cute blonde and textile designer*. On our first date, she told me her dad was a football coach at Marshall. What she failed to tell me was that her dad was the head coach. FEMALE READERS: THAT IS A BIG DEAL TO US GUYS!!!

*[Editor's note] Aww, a really cute girl didn't want to keep dating B-Dubs? We are all super shocked.


Name of the Week

Blake Frohnapfel

Honestly, we're surprised he doesn't play lacrosse.


Zombie Kill of the Week

This weeks Zombie Kill goes to the man who started it all.. the one, the only Tallahassee because when he goes hulk on a zombie he sets the standard for not to be f*cked with.

Hokies.. that is your inspiration.

Your goal.. do better this week.


Elsewhere in College Football

This is a new weekly feature which allows us to rant about other stuff going on in the land of college football.

-We were really rooting for Tennessee to beat Oregon, just so UVA could look like even more of a joke. But Oregon trounched them, and UVA is still a joke. Everything worked out.

-Last Friday, I got a call from a buddy who wanted to put as much money as possible on Alabama at (-7.5). I cautioned him that it was a big number in College Station. He wound up deciding not to bet on the game. The texts I received went like this:

4:14 pm (Texas A&M up 14-0) – THANK YOU SO MUCH! Holy lord, you saved me big time.

5:50 pm (Alabama up 35-14) – F*CK YOU! I should be paying for my kid's college with this! You owe me at least $1,000, you know-nothing asshat!

7:15 pm (Final, Alabama wins 49-42, not covering) – I'm just not betting on anything ever again. I'm buying next time we're drinking.


Random Gif of the Week

Did you really think this would be anything other than the ButtSlide?

Hokie Motivator of the Week

Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie..something. This week, he totally uses a prior submission

But that's ok, because it's a pun about poop.


Gratuitous Hot Rod Quote of the Week

Yes, we are changing it up again this year. We've already rolled through the two most quotable movies in history, Tommy Boy and Dumb and Dumber. So now we're going with a personal favorite. If you haven't seen Hot Rod, go rent it now. Have no expectations, and drink at least a 6-pack before you start it.

Dave: I have various responsibilities within the crew. I'm kind of a jack-of-all-trades, really. I, one time, manned a flamethrower.

High School Girl: Cool.

Dave: Of course it's cool. It's awesome as shit.


Hokie Hero

Want to beat Marshall?

Better use a Marshall.

Chief Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard


Alright, listen up, people.

Our opponent has been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour.

That gives us a radius of six miles.

What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area.

Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles.

Your fugitive's name is Marshall.

Go get him. 



Game 4: Marshall

Marshall-Thundering_TurdThe Hokies head to West Virginia. You know it’s gonna be good.

Big ups to the CMU Football Analyst for sending us the above graphic. Don’t lie to yourself. We’re all ten years old.

The awesomeness starts after the jump…


Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

We’re going to West Virginia. We feel “nightmare” perfectly describes this experience.


Conference Realignment, the ACC, and You

The ACC will be fine, which is great. We’re adding Pitt and Syracuse, which waters down football even more, but whatevs. The basketball conference will be the best in the country.

The rumor is that the ACC will eventually add UCONN and Rutgers, Adding UCONN, we’re ok with. They’re at least decent in football.

But adding Rutgers? Jesus. We understand it gains the New York market, but Rutgers? Man, c’mon. Have SOME decency, ACC. Just cuz the girl wants to go home with you doesn’t mean you have to take her up on it.

Anyways, the best part of all this realignment stuff? The chance that WVU gets screwed. There was a rumor that the ACC and SEC told the Mountaineers “no”, which is awesome. There was another rumor that they told them “no” because their fans were the worst in the country, which is AWESOME.

So if there’s a reason to hate the team we play this week, it’s because they’re from West Virginia. Speaking of…


The Bad Guys

For the 4th week in a row, we really don’t care about our opponent. Sure, the players and coaches have to care, but as fans, we really don’t need to know anything. Marshall has a freshman quarterback, and they kinda suck.

But I will say, one of the funniest parts of growing up in Morgantown is the contempt they have for Marshall. Really? WVU is making fun of a school for their academic record? That is freaking RICH.


The Good Guys

26-7? REALLY? We couldn’t get DMFW over 100 yards rushing against Arkansas-freaking-State.

3 points in the second half against Arkansas-freaking-State. Guh.

So we have one more game to get our shit straight before Clemson. Can we do it?


The Game

Well, we know the defense will show up. In fact, there’s a decent chance the D puts up more points than the offense.

There will likely be a lot of Hokies at the game, since it’s only a few hours away, and Huntington is a decent town. It’s like Morganhole, but without the arson and swearing.


R DMFW T-Shirt Sighting of the Week


Awwww yeah, we have DMFW shirts! The puffy paint was retrieved this week, so let us know if you want one. All we’re asking is shipping. WHAT A DEAL!*

*Not responsible if you think it is not a deal.


Zombie Kill of the Week

D_w fails AGAIN this week. So we’re putting up a picture of a common UVA person.


Also, as punishment for failing two weeks in a row, D_w gets this picture posted…


D_w is on the left.


Poorly-done Photoshop of the Week

During the usual drunken angry texting that occurs during Hokie games, it was decided that we needed some new nicknames. Sure, we could just keep inserting “MF” in-between the initials of a good player. But that’s not really all that creative*.

*Remember, DMFW shirts on sale now!

So this week’s submission?


Logan Thomas the Tank Engine

Free shirt to anyone that does Voldemort as Sir Topham Hat.

Speaking of Voldemort…


Replacement Voldemort of the Week

Going into West Virginia? We need a West Virginian to lead us.

Might as well be the fastest man in history.


Chuck Yeager. 

Get this shit done. Like Chuck would want.