Who's ready for a noon game against Conference USA?!?!
Don't laugh. This is like our 2nd best home game of the year.
Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week
Did we pick this song because it starts out with "KICK IT!!"….
Yes. Yes we did.
Dude. Cody. What the f*ck was that?
You attempted 2 field goals and 2 extra points. The defense got a safety and out scored you.
But he's not the only disappointing part of that game. Are we sure Logan Thomas isn't screwing with us? Do you think he knows we drink for every over-throw?
This was our first game on Fox Sports 1. We were hoping for something different than ESPN…. we were wrong.
How's about the in-game advertisements on the side and bottom of the screen? Or the exact same bottom line score ticker THAT SERVES NO F*CKING PURPOSE WHATSOEVER.
We're watching Fox Sports 1. WE HAVE THE INTERNET. There is literally no reason for the bottom line. If there's a score I'm interested in, I'll look it up on this magical device called a computer. Or a smart phone. Or any of the other multiple devices we all own to look this shit up.
Why did the bottom line become the standard? Want to differentiate yourself? Get rid of it.
I'm sure that little rant on a barely-read Virginia Tech football blog will make a big difference. YOU'RE WELCOME EVERYBODY!
The Good Guys
Hot damn, that defense is awesome. And as long as we have a defense, we have a chance. Hell, we won multiple ACC championships with literally no offense whatsoever. You can do anything if the other team only scores 10.
Also, there's this little nugget. Just to show how inept our special teams are, check here for the run-up to the Texas A&M game:
Day 4: Wednesday
11 a.m.: A&M assistant Jeff Banks, seeking a little intel after seeing Alabama's Christion Jones return both a kickoff and a punt for touchdowns against the vaunted Virginia Tech special teams, calls his pal Shane Beamer up in Blacksburg.
Banks shares Beamer's advice with his colleagues in the offensive staff room: "He said, 'Don't put walk-ons on your coverage teams.'"
WELL NO F*CKING SHIT.
Is Shane now officially the most competent Beamer on the coahcing staff?
The Bad Guys
Yeah, we don't know anything about these guy other than they aren't bad.
In their first two games, they scored 107 points. We are hoping to break triple digits some time in late October.
We also got this sent in from the CMU Football Analyst:
When googling Marshall University Student, the 4th picture that comes up in Google images is of a bunch of bottle rockets. Pretty sad when you can only muster 3 images of actual people before you get into really obscure objects.
We were about to just write this off with a joke about nothing to do in Huntington… but then we decided to check out WHY bottle rockets showed up.
And it led us to THE GREATEST STORY EVER.
Yes. That headline is, "Student injured after dude shot bottle rocket from anus can’t sue Marshall University."
Clearly, that isn't a reputable newspaper. Unless "dude" is part of an acceptable headline nowadays.
Don't worry. Alcohol was involved.
If we can take care of business, it could be an enjoyable afternoon.
If we STILL can't get shit going on offense, it could be a very nerve-wracking game.
So we'll give you our usual advice.
Take two six-packs and call us in the morning.
B-Dub’s Factual Corner
Each week, B-Dubs performs some level of research (because someone around here has to) and provides analysis that has been described by sky-writing experts as, "Acceptable."
Fact: Marshall football has only been at the 1A level since 1997.
Response: Makes you wonder why Randy Moss went there.
Fact: The football team has two national championships.
Response: Sure, they were at the 1AA level, but that's still two more than VT. Ugh.
Fact: Marshall is 118-19 when playing at home (.866 winning percentage). Alabama ranks second in that category at .825.
Response: Holy shit! Good thing we're playing them in Lane.
Fact: Their offense is putting up 527 yards and 46 points a game.
Response: So what if it's been against three crappy opponents. We're putting up 328 yards and 23 points a game. Consider me jealous.
Fact: Their mascot is Marco the Buffalo.
Response: Why Marco, you may ask (because let's face it…a buffalo named Marco is just weird)? Well, it turns out it derived from MARshall COllege and the name was kept when Marshall became a university. Touche, Marshall…touche.
Fact: I went on a handful of dates with Doc Holliday's daugther.
Response: Seriously. Really cute blonde and textile designer*. On our first date, she told me her dad was a football coach at Marshall. What she failed to tell me was that her dad was the head coach. FEMALE READERS: THAT IS A BIG DEAL TO US GUYS!!!
*[Editor's note] Aww, a really cute girl didn't want to keep dating B-Dubs? We are all super shocked.
Name of the Week
Honestly, we're surprised he doesn't play lacrosse.
Zombie Kill of the Week
This weeks Zombie Kill goes to the man who started it all.. the one, the only Tallahassee because when he goes hulk on a zombie he sets the standard for not to be f*cked with.
Hokies.. that is your inspiration.
Your goal.. do better this week.
Elsewhere in College Football
This is a new weekly feature which allows us to rant about other stuff going on in the land of college football.
-We were really rooting for Tennessee to beat Oregon, just so UVA could look like even more of a joke. But Oregon trounched them, and UVA is still a joke. Everything worked out.
-Last Friday, I got a call from a buddy who wanted to put as much money as possible on Alabama at (-7.5). I cautioned him that it was a big number in College Station. He wound up deciding not to bet on the game. The texts I received went like this:
4:14 pm (Texas A&M up 14-0) – THANK YOU SO MUCH! Holy lord, you saved me big time.
5:50 pm (Alabama up 35-14) – F*CK YOU! I should be paying for my kid's college with this! You owe me at least $1,000, you know-nothing asshat!
7:15 pm (Final, Alabama wins 49-42, not covering) – I'm just not betting on anything ever again. I'm buying next time we're drinking.
Random Gif of the Week
Did you really think this would be anything other than the ButtSlide?
Hokie Motivator of the Week
Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie..something. This week, he totally uses a prior submission
But that's ok, because it's a pun about poop.
Gratuitous Hot Rod Quote of the Week
Yes, we are changing it up again this year. We've already rolled through the two most quotable movies in history, Tommy Boy and Dumb and Dumber. So now we're going with a personal favorite. If you haven't seen Hot Rod, go rent it now. Have no expectations, and drink at least a 6-pack before you start it.
Dave: I have various responsibilities within the crew. I'm kind of a jack-of-all-trades, really. I, one time, manned a flamethrower.
High School Girl: Cool.
Dave: Of course it's cool. It's awesome as shit.
Want to beat Marshall?
Better use a Marshall.
Chief Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard
Alright, listen up, people.
Our opponent has been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour.
That gives us a radius of six miles.
What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area.
Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles.
Your fugitive's name is Marshall.
Go get him.
LET'S GO HOKIES!!!