This is THE game, folks. This is why you’re a Hokie fan. This is why you’re a football fan.
Are you nervous? Well you f***ing shouldn’t be.
It’s UVA week. 10 out of 11. About to be 8 in a row. This week, the hoos come back to Earth.
Do we capitalize “hoos”? Whatevs. No one cares.
Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week
So. That UNC game.
Can we please learn how to finish?
And DMFW is great; we all know that. But inside the 5 yard line? Not so much.
If we have a first down from the 2, why don’t we just let our Tank Engine of a quarterback fall forward 3 times. I will guarantee you a touchdown. GUARANTEE.
It was a win. It was ugly, but I’m strangely ok with that. Coming off the big win in Atlanta, this kind of trap game was expected. But we got it done.
The Bad Guys
Man, f*ck UVA.
But seriously, congrats. You beat a mediocre Florida State team. It’s literally your best win in a decade.
How did they manage such a feat? By scoring two whole touchdowns and getting a missed field goal at the end of the game. Big time, guys.
Their offense is the epitome of average, just like their students. Their defense is pretty “meh,” just like their coeds.
And has anyone seen a coach bitch and complain more than Mike London during the FSU game? It was an obvious incomplete pass upon review? “WHAT?!?! REF, YOU’RE A JOKE!” The UVA defender clearly yanked on a facemask nearly ripping the quarterback’s head off? “J’ACCUSE!!”
Just shut the hell up. Man, could you imagine if they had lost?? He’d have blamed everyone and their mothers.
Speaking of douche bags, check out this guy:
Know his name? Blake Blaze. Not even kidding. Blake. F*cking. Blaze.
Could this guy be more UVA?? Blake Blaze. Unreal.
Here’s guessing his hands are softer than the Big East.
The Good Guys
We’re #5?? WHAT IS GOING ON???
Are we the worst top 5 team in college football history? Not even close. Remember that one year where Boston College and South Florida owned the #2 spot at points during the season? Yeah, they win.
This season is shaping up to be one of Bud Foster’s most impressive. Considering all the injuries we’ve suffered on that side of the ball, these guys have been playing out of their minds.
On the other side of the ball, Thomas the Tank Engine has developed faster than any quarterback I’ve seen. Do I have full confidence in him? Absolutely not. But I don’t think I’ve ever had confidence in a Virginia Tech quarterback.
As for our special teams…
How refreshing is it to have this game actually mean something? Thanks for getting somewhat competitive again, hoos.
This is how it should be. Beating UVA every year is fun and all, but crushing their little dreams makes it all the more meaningful.
DMFW is going to go off on Saturday. Florida State rushed all over the hoos, and they blow. We’ll roll, and UVA will get an invite to some shit-tastic bowl played on December 17th. Sunrise. Sunset.
Zombie Kill of the Week
Each week Sometimes, D_w Starscream gives us his Zombie Kill of the Week. Not shockingly, he failed us AGAIN. So we’re just going to give you the Zombie Kill from last year’s game, complete with more UNC crying.
Random Rant of the Week
Speaking of Mike London’s bitching and D_w’s Chicago fanhood reminded me of watching the Bears-Chargers game this weekend.
At one point, Bears fans booed when Phillip Rivers intentionally threw a pass at the feet of a receiver. They booed because they wanted a grounding penalty, as shots of the crowd proved.
REALLY?? Yes, it was an intentional incomplete pass, but with a receiver RIGHT THERE. It is clearly not a penalty, as anyone with an IQ over 50 would realize.
Bears fans. Ugh.
This is a great segue into our newest segment…
BE BETTER! of the Week
This is a new feature that will likely show up each week. We’ve used this phrase plenty in conversations outside of the NEZ. Basically, telling someone to BE BETTER is calling them out on being lazy or ignorant at something they’re supposed to do.
We assume that everyone was watching the end of the FSU-UVA game. After ruling the pass incomplete, FSU lined up for a field goal, but flags flew and the play was whistled dead.
It was at this point that I started to hate everything. The color guy (I’m not even going to bother looking up his name) must have said six times that, “If that is on the offense, there’s a ten second run off and this game is over!!”
No, there’s not a run off because the clock was stopped from the incomplete pass. I know that. Everyone in the room knew that. I’m pretty sure everyone in the booth with you knew that.
This is your job, dude.
Step 1: learn the players. Step 1a: learn the rules.
There. That’s 90% of broadcasting.
This is your job.
This Week in F You ESPN
First of all, check the BE BETTER! section above.
Second of all, F you ESPN, for subjecting us to the existence of Jesse Palmer.
Good lord this guy is awful. By the end of the first quarter, I wanted to claw my eyes out listening to this jackass.
He just couldn’t get over the breaks that Virginia Tech was getting.
Really? We fumbled on the first play of the game, leading to a UNC touchdown. We spotted them 7 points AND they get the ball after half. But yeah, we were definitely the ones getting all the breaks.
This effing guy. LEARN HOW TO TIE A TIE!
Your brother is 1000x better than you, and he played for the freaking Bengals.
No one likes you. You were adopted.
This Week in F You ESPN (Take 2)
Justin Credible. Yup.
This is why you can’t have nice things, ESPN.
A Call to Arms
We have a few operatives attending the game this week, and we know that some of our dozen of readers will be going as well. We’re humbly asking you for one thing: Documentation.
We’re looking for pictures, videos, scalps, whatever.
On our list of things to document include:
1. Ties (especially of the bow variety)
2. Sun dresses
4. Drinking something fruity
5. Slap fights
6. Boat shoes
9. Anything pastel
10. Critter pants
11. Popped collars
13. Southern Swoop haircuts
These guys are the worst ever.
If you’re attending the game and find yourself staring face to face with any of the above, please please PLEASE take pictures. We pay handsomely*.
*By “pay” we mean buy you a beer, and by “handsomely” we mean that C Gally will be there.
Annual Thanksgiving Comment
Man, Thanksgiving is freaking awesome. It’s four days of food, football, beer, naps, and laziness. Abe Lincoln is a GENIUS for making this a national holiday.
Is it the greatest holiday of the year? Without question. Go ahead, try to think of a better holiday. Christmas? HA! No chance. Such a girl thing to say.
Thanksgiving also gives us the opportunity to post the trailer from our favorite killer turkey movie: THANKSKILLING
Gobble Gobble, Motherf*ckers.
And Happy Thanksgiving to all.
Avid Reader Comment of the Week
With all the hate that goes on around this site, we’d like to talk about something that we love: Reader Comments.
Why do we love them? For many reasons:
1. We know that people other than our parents are reading.
2. We don’t have to come up with funny content on our own (always a bad idea)
3. The comments are usually funnier than anything we could think up.
This week’s award goes to IllinoisHokie, for giving us a firsthand look at life in the Land of Lincoln is like:
The only game I’m interested in playing come mid-January is hide the sausage with Mrs. Illinois Hokie.
Midwest winters are harsh, dude.
We’re glad to see that some of our readers have been able to find love. For some reason, this kind of surprises us.
Avid Reader Rant of the Week
Yes, we pretty much publish anything you send us, so long as it’s funny. A Baltimore fan not being able to watch his precious group of felons? THAT is funny.
The email was sent with the subject, “Unhealthy Thoughts from a Slightly Maturing NFL fan.” Take it away, BK.
The NFL schedule gets released during April each year. This allows for roughly five months of remembering that those Sundays in the fall are going to be better than the current Sundays in the spring and summer. As a Ravens fan (YES: we stole your team, YES: our best player is thought to have killed someone by just about everyone else in the country, and YES: we talk way too much and are hated by most casual fans- ok so with that out of the way) I would have never considered that as I got towards the bottom of the schedule I would see a Thanksgiving day game, but there it was.
This is going to be awesome. Late game. Home in Baltimore. Great tailgate: THANKGIVING DAY TAILGATING. Giant turkey legs, Oktoberfest beer. Life is perfect.
Oh, wait, I am married. (Panicking), Where did we go last year? Crap, Baltimore, my family….That means that rather than going to the game and celebrating my favorite holiday at my favorite place in the world I will instead go to a hunting cabin in the middle of the woods of southwest Virginia. A cabin with no running water (yup, that means a working outhouse), no tv, no internet and until 2 years ago, no cell phone service. Dreams dashed. I could listen to the radio but that is for people in the 1950s and peasants.
So rather than crossing off one of the great fan experiences of my life I am going to sleep in the same room with 20 to 30 of my wife’s family members, act interested in conversations, try to fall asleep while listening to 3 generations try to out snore each other and spend the entire time thinking about the game.
At least it is 2011 and I will have the game recorded in HD waiting for me when I get home. If anything happens to my family in the meantime I will have no idea because the bubble goes up at 8pm Thursday night and won’t come down until I have watched the game. No cell phone, no email, no internet. So family, drive safe, look both ways before you cross the street and chew your food carefully because if you go into the hospital I won’t find out until Saturday approximately 3 hours after I enter my house.
We all feel for you, BK. I mean, Baltimore is your favorite place in the world? Yeah, we feel for you.
Hokie Motivator of the Week
Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie Motivator.
Gratuitous Dumb and Dumber Quote of the Week
Yes, we’re stealing this straight from Deadspin’s Jamboroo. No, we don’t care.
Lloyd: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
Elderly woman: Of course.
Lloyd: Thanks. Hey, I guess they’re right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I’ll be right back. Don’t you go dying on me!
Replacement Voldemort of the Week
This week was easy.
Who’s the one man that knows how to infiltrate an enemy stronghold and blow it up from the inside?
A true hero.
Captain Steven Hiller
Get your victory dance ready.
Welcome back to Earth, Wahoos.
LET’S GO HOKIES!!