Game 12: UVA


So… we definitely still suck.

We thought maybe the bye week would have tempered our rage, but we were wrong.

But one thing we can take solace in? UVA sucks WAAAAAAY worse.

Your hungover, phoned in UVA preview, after the jump….


Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

Yeah, so this isn't a pump up song so much as it's just flat awesome.


Best, Trilogy. Ever.


The Good Guys

So. That Maryland game. I think we speak for everyone when we say… 


We lost to Maryland. At home. On Senior Day.

We don't want to ruin the weekend with another jaded, angry rant. Suffice it to say we are not only livid, but we're kind of scared.

Are the past 20 years of national relevance something that we can actually get back? We're not so sure.


The Bad Guys

Yeah, we don't know jack about UVA, because we can't waste our time watching terrible teams.

UVA has lost 8 in a row. 8!!

They are unbelievably bad. They lost to North Carolina by 31 points.


The Game

If this game is in doubt by the time the fourth quarter starts, we're ok with firing everyone.

We should absolutely OWN this team.

This game should be embarrassing.

We want complete dominance.

If we happen to be up 60 at half time, we'd be ok with throwing the ball.

Keep the starters in the entire game.

Make the hoos question whether they should even be Division 1.

Spoiler alert: They shouldn't be.

This is going to be a curb-stomping.

The sheer viciousness with how badly we will beat this team will be spoken of for years.

Mothers of UVA players will cry when then see what we do to this team.


Holy shit.

Where's the Tylenol?


Drinking Rule of the Game

In addition to our official drinking game rules, we'll add a few game-specific rules each week.

-Drink any time UVA is hilariously bad.

-Drink for every reference to NINE STRAIGHT WINS BY VIRGINIA TECH.

-Drink for every tie and sundress you see.


B-Dub’s Factual Corner

Each week, B-Dubs performs some level of research (because someone around here has to) and provides analysis that has been described by sky-writing experts as, "Acceptable."


Response: Nothing needs to be said here. You know what this means.


Response: This guy is rebuilding UVA football. UVA recruits deemed it #thecomeup. It is now, in fact, #theletdown

Fact: They like to refer it as Mr. Jefferson's School
Response: Jefferson was a ginger and as you know, they have no soul. Therefore, UVA is soulless. It's that simple.

Fact: This is UVA's bowl game.
Response: That's what happens when you suck worse than suck.

Fact: London said he is playing two QBs against VT.
Response: What's UVA football without a good QB controversy?

Fact: Lee Corso picked against us and his car was struck by lightning. Colin Cowherd absolutely annihilated UVA football and he was promoted to television.
Response: Moral of the story? Trash UVA football and good things will happen.

Fact: Did you know that Mike London used to be a cop?
Response: Duh. Everybody knows that. But did you know that Old MacDonald was a terrible speller?

Fact: VT will have more fans at this game than UVA will.
Response: Yes. Yes we will. And we will dominate these putrid f*cks into the ground. GO HOKIES!


Name(s) of the Week

The entire team. UVA is a joke.

We were going to look for the whitest players with the whitest names ever, but we'd wind up listing about 60% of the roster.


Zombie Kill of the Week

Each week (or whenever he feels like getting off his lazy ass), d_w submits a Zombie Kill of the Week. Shockingly there was nothing about the Maryland game we wanted to remember.

So what can we bring you instead?

How about the original Thankskilling.


Elsewhere in College Football

This is a new weekly feature which allows us to rant about other stuff going on in the land of college football.

-If Ohio State could go undefeated and stay outside of the National Championship game we would be SOOOOO happy. We know we said this last week, but seriously. SOOOOOO happy.

-We really, REALLY wish WVU played Marshall this year. It would be a route.

-Duke is going to play Florida State in the ACC  Championship. Yeah, there's some way that might not happen, but since it pretty much defines our worst nightmare, it's going to happen.


Hokie Motivator of the Week

Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie..something. This week he says what we're all thinking….



Gratuitous Hot Rod Quote of the Week

Yes, we are changing it up again this year. We've already rolled through the two most quotable movies in history, Tommy Boy and Dumb and Dumber. So now we're going with a personal favorite. If you haven't seen Hot Rod, go rent it now. Have no expectations, and drink at least a 6-pack before you start it.

Dave: You know, pools are perfect for holding water…


Hokie Hero

No intro:

Coach Gary Gaines


Ten years.

Clear eyes.

Full hearts.

Can't lose.


Game 12: UVA


This is THE game, folks. This is why you’re a Hokie fan. This is why you’re a football fan.

Are you nervous? Well you f***ing shouldn’t be.

It’s UVA week. 10 out of 11. About to be 8 in a row. This week, the hoos come back to Earth.

Do we capitalize “hoos”? Whatevs. No one cares.

Jump it…




Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week



So. That UNC game.

Can we please learn how to finish?

And DMFW is great; we all know that. But inside the 5 yard line? Not so much.

If we have a first down from the 2, why don’t we just let our Tank Engine of a quarterback fall forward 3 times. I will guarantee you a touchdown. GUARANTEE.

It was a win. It was ugly, but I’m strangely ok with that. Coming off the big win in Atlanta, this kind of trap game was expected. But we got it done.


The Bad Guys

Man, f*ck UVA.

But seriously, congrats. You beat a mediocre Florida State team. It’s literally your best win in a decade.

How did they manage such a feat? By scoring two whole touchdowns and getting a missed field goal at the end of the game. Big time, guys.

Their offense is the epitome of average, just like their students. Their defense is pretty “meh,” just like their coeds.

And has anyone seen a coach bitch and complain more than Mike London during the FSU game? It was an obvious incomplete pass upon review? “WHAT?!?! REF, YOU’RE A JOKE!” The UVA defender clearly yanked on a facemask nearly ripping the quarterback’s head off? “J’ACCUSE!!”

Just shut the hell up. Man, could you imagine if they had lost?? He’d have blamed everyone and their mothers.

Speaking of douche bags, check out this guy:


Know his name? Blake Blaze. Not even kidding. Blake. F*cking. Blaze.

Could this guy be more UVA?? Blake Blaze. Unreal.

Here’s guessing his hands are softer than the Big East. 


The Good Guys

We’re #5?? WHAT IS GOING ON???

Are we the worst top 5 team in college football history? Not even close. Remember that one year where Boston College and South Florida owned the #2 spot at points during the season? Yeah, they win.

This season is shaping up to be one of Bud Foster’s most impressive. Considering all the injuries we’ve suffered on that side of the ball, these guys have been playing out of their minds.

On the other side of the ball, Thomas the Tank Engine has developed faster than any quarterback I’ve seen. Do I have full confidence in him? Absolutely not. But I don’t think I’ve ever had confidence in a Virginia Tech quarterback.

As for our special teams…


The Game

How refreshing is it to have this game actually mean something? Thanks for getting somewhat competitive again, hoos.

This is how it should be. Beating UVA every year is fun and all, but crushing their little dreams makes it all the more meaningful.

DMFW is going to go off on Saturday. Florida State rushed all over the hoos, and they blow. We’ll roll, and UVA will get an invite to some shit-tastic bowl played on December 17th. Sunrise. Sunset.


Zombie Kill of the Week

Each week Sometimes, D_w Starscream gives us his Zombie Kill of the Week. Not shockingly, he failed us AGAIN. So we’re just going to give you the Zombie Kill from last year’s game, complete with more UNC crying.


Random Rant of the Week

Speaking of Mike London’s bitching and D_w’s Chicago fanhood reminded me of watching the Bears-Chargers game this weekend.

At one point, Bears fans booed when Phillip Rivers intentionally threw a pass at the feet of a receiver. They booed because they wanted a grounding penalty, as shots of the crowd proved.

REALLY?? Yes, it was an intentional incomplete pass, but with a receiver RIGHT THERE. It is clearly not a penalty, as anyone with an IQ over 50 would realize.

Bears fans. Ugh.

This is a great segue into our newest segment…


BE BETTER! of the Week

This is a new feature that will likely show up each week. We’ve used this phrase plenty in conversations outside of the NEZ. Basically, telling someone to BE BETTER is calling them out on being lazy or ignorant at something they’re supposed to do.

We assume that everyone was watching the end of the FSU-UVA game. After ruling the pass incomplete, FSU lined up for a field goal, but flags flew and the play was whistled dead.

It was at this point that I started to hate everything. The color guy (I’m not even going to bother looking up his name) must have said six times that, “If that is on the offense, there’s a ten second run off and this game is over!!”


No, there’s not a run off because the clock was stopped from the incomplete pass. I know that. Everyone in the room knew that. I’m pretty sure everyone in the booth with you knew that.

This is your job, dude.

Step 1: learn the players. Step 1a: learn the rules.

There. That’s 90% of broadcasting.

This is your job.



This Week in F You ESPN

First of all, check the BE BETTER! section above.

Second of all, F you ESPN, for subjecting us to the existence of Jesse Palmer.

Good lord this guy is awful. By the end of the first quarter, I wanted to claw my eyes out listening to this jackass.

He just couldn’t get over the breaks that Virginia Tech was getting.

Really? We fumbled on the first play of the game, leading to a UNC touchdown. We spotted them 7 points AND they get the ball after half. But yeah, we were definitely the ones getting all the breaks.


This effing guy. LEARN HOW TO TIE A TIE!

Your brother is 1000x better than you, and he played for the freaking Bengals.

No one likes you. You were adopted.


This Week in F You ESPN (Take 2)


Justin Credible. Yup.

This is why you can’t have nice things, ESPN.


A Call to Arms

We have a few operatives attending the game this week, and we know that some of our dozen of readers will be going as well. We’re humbly asking you for one thing: Documentation.

We’re looking for pictures, videos, scalps, whatever.

On our list of things to document include:

  1. Ties (especially of the bow variety)

  2. Sun dresses

  3. Mating

  4. Drinking something fruity

  5. Slap fights

  6. Boat shoes

  7. Croakies

  8. Blazers

  9. Anything pastel

  10. Critter pants

  11. Popped collars

  12. Pearls

  13. Southern Swoop haircuts

These guys are the worst ever.

If you’re attending the game and find yourself staring face to face with any of the above, please please PLEASE take pictures. We pay handsomely*.

*By “pay” we mean buy you a beer, and by “handsomely” we mean that C Gally will be there.


Annual Thanksgiving Comment

Man, Thanksgiving is freaking awesome. It’s four days of food, football, beer, naps, and laziness. Abe Lincoln is a GENIUS for making this a national holiday.

Is it the greatest holiday of the year? Without question. Go ahead, try to think of a better holiday. Christmas? HA! No chance. Such a girl thing to say.

Thanksgiving also gives us the opportunity to post the trailer from our favorite killer turkey movie: THANKSKILLING

Gobble Gobble, Motherf*ckers.

And Happy Thanksgiving to all.


Avid Reader Comment of the Week

With all the hate that goes on around this site, we’d like to talk about something that we love: Reader Comments.

Why do we love them? For many reasons:

1. We know that people other than our parents are reading.

2. We don’t have to come up with funny content on our own (always a bad idea)

3. The comments are usually funnier than anything we could think up.

This week’s award goes to IllinoisHokie, for giving us a firsthand look at life in the Land of Lincoln is like:

The only game I’m interested in playing come mid-January is hide the sausage with Mrs. Illinois Hokie.

Midwest winters are harsh, dude.

We’re glad to see that some of our readers have been able to find love. For some reason, this kind of surprises us.


Avid Reader Rant of the Week

Yes, we pretty much publish anything you send us, so long as it’s funny. A Baltimore fan not being able to watch his precious group of felons? THAT is funny.

The email was sent with the subject, “Unhealthy Thoughts from a Slightly Maturing NFL fan.” Take it away, BK.

The NFL schedule gets released during April each year.  This allows for roughly five months of remembering that those Sundays in the fall are going to be better than the current Sundays in the spring and summer.   As a Ravens fan (YES: we stole your team, YES: our best player is thought to have killed someone by just about everyone else in the country, and YES: we talk way too much and are hated by most casual fans- ok so with that out of the way) I would have never considered that as I got towards the bottom of the schedule I would see a Thanksgiving day game, but there it was.

This is going to be awesome.  Late game.  Home in Baltimore.  Great tailgate: THANKGIVING DAY TAILGATING.  Giant turkey legs, Oktoberfest beer.  Life is perfect.

Oh, wait, I am married.  (Panicking), Where did we go last year?  Crap, Baltimore, my family….That means that rather than going to the game and celebrating my favorite holiday at my favorite place in the world I will instead go to a hunting cabin in the middle of the woods of southwest Virginia.   A cabin with no running water (yup, that means a working outhouse), no tv, no internet and until 2 years ago, no cell phone service.   Dreams dashed.  I could listen to the radio but that is for people in the 1950s and peasants.

So rather than crossing off one of the great fan experiences of my life I am going to sleep in the same room with 20 to 30 of my wife’s family members, act interested in conversations, try to fall asleep while listening to 3 generations try to out snore each other and spend the entire time thinking about the game.

At least it is 2011 and I will have the game recorded in HD waiting for me when I get home.  If anything happens to my family in the meantime I will have no idea because the bubble goes up at 8pm Thursday night and won’t come down until I have watched the game.  No cell phone, no email, no internet.  So family, drive safe, look both ways before you cross the street and chew your food carefully because if you go into the hospital I won’t find out until Saturday approximately 3 hours after I enter my house.

We all feel for you, BK. I mean, Baltimore is your favorite place in the world? Yeah, we feel for you.


Hokie Motivator of the Week

Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie Motivator.

Future douches? 


Gratuitous Dumb and Dumber Quote of the Week

Yes, we’re stealing this straight from Deadspin’s Jamboroo. No, we don’t care.

Lloyd: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?

Elderly woman: Of course.

Lloyd: Thanks. Hey, I guess they’re right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I’ll be right back. Don’t you go dying on me!


Replacement Voldemort of the Week

This week was easy.

Who’s the one man that knows how to infiltrate an enemy stronghold and blow it up from the inside?

A true hero.


Captain Steven Hiller

Get your victory dance ready. 

Welcome back to Earth, Wahoos.


Game 12: UVA


Yeah, we know this is super-turbo late.

But it’s Thanksgiving. You shouldn’t be reading blogs during Thanksgiving. You should be dazed, in a turkey-induced food coma.

Anyways, a very short preview for the annual intra-state beat down after the jump.



Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

You might say we went the easy route by choosing Black Betty. But we challenge you to not get pumped about beating the snot out of some blue-bloods when you listen to that song.


The Good Guys, The Bad Guys, and The Game

Yeah, we just combined them this week. Big whoop wanna fight about it?


The Hokies are awesome. Sure we start slow and make us feel ike they could lose control at any time, but we’re kind of getting used to that. Look for Tyrod, RMFW, Evans, Wilson, Hosely, Friday, The Coroner. and Bruce “The Toolman” Taylor to play their faces off. 

And since it’s Tyrod’s last game, we would assume he’ll finish with about 400 total yards and possibly 6 or 7 touchdowns. Take that to Vegas.

As for UVA… look, we don’t know shit about them. And can you blame us? We have better things to do than research a last place team that hasn’t done shit for almost a decade. Better things, like beating the Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past.


Seriously, this is happening. I apologize for nothing.

But I don’t know, they’ll run and pass and wear ties and stuff. They’re just not going to win. And they know that.


Hokie Motivator of the Week

It look all season, but the CMU Football Analyst finally gives us his pièce de résistance…

He also sucked at monogamy.


Replacement Offensive Coordinator of the Week

Wow, here already? Whatevs.

Let’s show these slave-owning douchebags how we do things in the free country.


John Brown.

You know, John Brown? He was the abolitionist who advocated armed insurrection to overthrow the institution of slavery.

You know what? Nevermind.


Our pick is Optimus Prime.




Game 12: UVA

A bit of an abbreviated preview this week. Thanksgiving will have that effect. Turkey and pie won’t eat themselves, you know.



Non-Metallica Pump-up Song of the Week

We may have used this one before, but we really don’t care.


Look, UVA sucks. We all know this. Hell, even they know it. So this game had better not be close. We need to roll them and roll them bad.

Cody Grimm is awesome. Ryan Williams will plant 15 Hoos in the dirt. It’s the usual deal this time of year.

So that’s our preview for the game. Now get off the internet and eat some turkey.


F you, Texas A&M. Don’t give me hope, then rip it away from me by sucking so bad on defense.


Replacement Offensive Coordinator of the Week

You’ve waited so patiently. So here he is. Our hero. Our everything.