As we come to the end of our journey, we’ve arrived at the most glamorous of lineups: Football Offense.
No football movie concentrates on defense. Every fictional football teams lives and dies with their offense, so this is pretty important.
So in our last pre-HateFest post, enjoy our Ultimate Football Team, and feel free to tell us how terrible our picks are. You know you want to.
Manumama, Necessary Roughness
With a name like “Manumama” you really can’t go wrong. He wins from birth.
The Jackson Brothers, The Replacements
They’re brothers. They call themselves “The Guards.” They protected a crap quarterback like Shane Falco. What more can you ask for?
Billy Bob, Varsity Blues
Bud Light Kaminski, The Program
Billy Bob proved that playing through concussions is perfectly acceptable. He cares deeply about his team, and owns a pig. And a truck with his name on it. He is the perfect offensive lineman.
And Bud Light Kaminski has a beer for a nickname. Sure, it’s terrible beer. But beer nonetheless. Plus we had to get someone in from The Program since we had to shaft them on the defensive side.
Honorable Mention: Zoltek, Little Giants
Tight End: Brian Murphy, The Replacements
His post football career was less than stellar.
Probably the only tight end in movie history, so it was an obvious choice. We like the fact that he’s deaf, since false starts make us want to claw our eyes out. He’s also the only player on our team to date Pam on The Office, so that’s something… right?
Rod Tidwell, Jerry Maguire
Buddy, Air Bud: Golden Receiver
Why are we taking Rod Tidwell? At first glance, he appears to be an overpaid, overhyped typical wide receiver who made one decent catch and performed an annoyingly long touchdown dance. But after you dig down deeper… yeah actually that’s all he is. But we can’t take all our players from Varsity Blues and The Replacements.
Buddy, on the other hand, is everything you could ask for in a player. He has no ego, doesn’t trash talk, and simply performs. He’s also the only player to make two teams in this little fictional fantasy team experiment, and that’s a pretty incredible accomplishment. Because, after all, the rules do not explicitly state that a dog cannot play on sports teams. Next step: President of the United States.
Honorable Mentions: Tweeder, Varsity Blues and Clifford Franklin, The Replacements.
Billy Cole, The Last Boy Scout
Booby Miles, Friday Night Lights
The opening scene in The Last Boy Scout involves Billy Cole running down the sidelines, shooting defenders in the face with a pistol. If that doesn’t show how much he wants to win, nothing will. And Booby Miles would have been a Hall of Famer if he hadn’t blown out his knee.
Obviously, we’re taking both of these guys pre-injury. In the case of Cole, before he shoots himself in the head.
Honorable Mentions: Wendell Brown, Varsity Blues and Megget (Nelly), The Longest Yard
Kicker: Gus, The Field Goal Kicking Mule, Gus
Two animals on the same team? THERE’S NO RULE AGAINST IT! He’s been coached up by Don Knotts, so you know he’s had a quality football education.
Honorable Mentions: Ray Finkle, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. LACES OUT, DAN!
Cheerleader: Darcy Sears, Varsity Blues
Honorable Mention: Annabelle Farrell, The Replacements
Offensive Coordinator: Herman Boone, Remember the Titans
Coach Boone brings all the talents we need in an Offensive Coordinator. He’s a great leader, and knows how to find talent. He didn’t want to touch the defense, so we had to pass on him for head coach.
Honorable Mention: Bud Kilmer, Varsity Blue
Head Coach: Hayden Fox, Coach
In today’s game, the head coach needs to be more manager than actual coach. With our stellar lineup, all he needs to do is let the players do what they do best. And no one is a better manager in football than Hayden Fox. He was able to put together a winning football program while having to deal with Jerry Van Dyke and a guy named “Dauber.” Clearly, the man knows how to manage people.
Honorable Mention: Sam Winters, The Program
Well, we’ve finally reached the climax. There have been more quarterbacks in movies than any other position in sports. Our selection will no doubt cause great controversy across the nation, but we are ready to deal with those consequences.
Before we reveal our man under center, let’s take a look at why some others didn’t make the cut.
Junior Floyd, Little Giants
Junior was great and all, but he’s injury prone. One late hit and he’s out for the game? We need tough guys on this team. Not guys that are into linebackers.
AC Slater, Saved by the Bell
From what we heard on the show, AC was pretty great at QB. However, with video evidence to prove it, we can’t really trust what his friends say. It’s not like Zack Morris is the most honest person in the world.
Shane Falco, The Replacements
Falco was first runner-up. He’s got miles and miles of heart, but let’s be honest here. He only won a single decent game, and that was against Dallas. In a deleted scene, you can see that Romo basically gave the game away.
Solid back-ups, yes. But our starter…
Jonathan Moxon, Varsity Blues
He is only one man. Mox is the Tom Brady of fictional football. If the guy in front of him hadn’t been hurt, he may have never gotten his shot at greatness.
He took over at QB. Took over after a legendary coach was run out of town. And won. Also, he invented the oop-di-oop.
We hope you all enjoyed this series. And if you didn’t, then we don’t like you*.
We. Don’t want. Yer life.
*Just kidding. Please don’t leave.