Our fictional baseball team may have the largest pool of candidates from which we can choose. Baseball movies are the epitome of sports film, and there will be plenty of spirited debate surrounding our selections. Feel free to bring any complaints to your humble writer, and prepare to have you arguments squashed almost immediately. Looking at you, Northerner. If you actually read your own blog once in a while.
Now, ON TO THE TEAM!
Starting Pitcher: Henry Rowengartner, Rookie of the Year
There’s been much debate over whether Henry was a starter or a closer. All we know is that he threw heat, and we want him pitching as much as possible. He is also responsible for thousands of middle schoolers breaking their arms on purpose with the hopes of gaining a 100 mph fastball.
Honorable Mention: Steve Nebraska, The Scout
Relief Pitcher: Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn, Major League
Again, much controversy surrounded whether Wild Thing was a starter or a closer. In Major League 2, he basically proved that he can’t be an emotionless starting pitcher. He needs to get pumped up and throw fastballs. And that is what we want from our closer.
Honorable Mention: Nuke Laloosh, Bull Durham
Catcher: Ham Porter, The Sandlot
The Great Hambino. Not only does he hit well, but he can also go toe-to-toe in a game of dozens any day. He makes a mean s’more, and is a great distraction behind the plate. All in all, he’s the perfect catcher.
Honorable Mention: Crash Davis, Bull Durham
First Base: Lou Collins, Little Big League
Every team needs the older veteran player, and we have ours in Lou Collins. Not only is he a solid fielder and hitter, but he is also very skilled in sleeping with the manager’s mother. You can’t teach that.
Honorable Mention: Stan Ross, Mr. 3000
Second Base: Marla Hooch, A League of Their Own
In accordance with United States law, we needed to include at least one female in this series, and Juwanna Man doesn’t count. Marla Hooch is a girl, but despite Ham Porter’s belief, she doesn’t play ball like one. She’s a solid second base, and she can hit. She’s also learned first hand that there is no crying in baseball.
Honorable Mention: Frank Sinatra’s Character, Take Me Out to the Ballgame
Third Base: Roger Dorn, Major League
Dorn fought through an aging body and a cheating wife to eventually win it all with a bunch of people he didn’t really like. I imagine that’s what non-Hokies feel when they graduate.
Honorable Mention: N/A, no one plays third base
Shortstop: Yeah Yeah, The Sandlot
Y’know, for a team with players from any walk of life, we sure have a lot of kids. This one is more out of necessity. Yeah Yeah is a bit player with a great name, and fortunately for him, this spot is wide open.
Honorable Mention: No one plays shortstop either
Left Field: Scotty Smalls, The Sandlot
Once again, we find ourselves taking a player from The Sandlot, mainly because it’s the only movie that shows characters playing positions other than pitcher. Scotty Smalls came a long way in a short time. He’s not really all that good, but his determination and work ethic get him over the mountain top. He’s the Tim Tebow of baseball players, without all the annoying media attention.
Honorable Mention: Kelly Leak, Bad News Bears
Center Field: Willie “Mays” Hayes, Major League
There is one question that humans have pondered for ages. Debate continues today, and every philosopher in history has weighed in on it.
The question: Willie “Mays” Hayes or Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez?
This was the most difficult position to finalize in this entire exercise. We put together super committees, asked experts, and even prayed a little. Finally, it was clear that Willie “Mays” Hayes triumphed. Not only does he bring a better bat, but he’s actually got a personality.
Honorable Mention: Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez
Right Field: Roy Hobbs, The Natural
The guy made his own bat AND knocked a homerun into the lights. Despite the fact that the stadium owner was probably pretty pissed, it was a unforgettable moment.
Honorable Mention: Archie “Moonlight” Graham, Field of Dreams
Umpire: Lt. Frank Drebin, The Naked Gun
Why are we including an umpire in our fantasy baseball team? Because f*** you, that’s why.
Also known as Enrico Pallazzo, Frank had the best strike calls of any umpire in history. We want him calling all of our games.
Honorable Mention: Al, Angels in the Outfield
Announcer: Harry Doyle, Major League
If every game was called by Harry Doyle, people might actually be able to watch a baseball game without falling asleep. Some people think that Doyle fell asleep himself during a broadcast, but that’s simply not true. In reality, he was drunk and passed out.
Honorable Mention: Monty, Major League
Manager: Billy Heywood, Little Big League
If anyone thought it was going to be anyone but Billy, you are insane. This kid was able to obtain a manager position within 5 minutes of talking to the general manager. He clearly aced Interpersonal Communications.
Honorable Mention: Lou Brown, Major League
Note: You may notice we did not include any players from Angels in the Outfield. Know why? Because they are all a bunch of CHEATERS. Angels are definitely against the rules.