What up bitches?! Guess what? It's HOOPS season (er, okay, it's been hoops season for five games now). But say what?! We still have a basketball team? Damn right we do and actually it's been quite an exciting start to the season. We play Iowa tonight at 7:15 PM, so here's your very first bball preview! Hit the jump for more.
Ye Olde Prologue
You know who we don't have to deal with anymore? This guy:
Honestly, that's insulting to Uncle Fester. But here's what we're really not gonna miss:
Hell yes I brought that collage back. You know why? Because now ESPN has to deal with him. It's a better match than Courtney Love and Steven Tyler…yuck. F*ck you ESPN and F*CK you Seth Greenberg. The man in charge now?
James mother f*cking Johnson. That's right. Former assistant at VT, made a lateral move to Clemson, then we hired him back as our head coach. Damn, does that move look good so far or what? For those of you not paying attention, we're 5-0 and actually have an offense. We still need a little work on defense, but damn it feels good putting up more than 50 points a game!
Basketball Fail of the Week
We've seen a lot of fails in our lives (especially C Gally – he's such a tool), but this one really makes them look good. Seriously, you aren't gonna believe what t his guy does:
Yeah that's right…he did that. He REALLY F*CKING DID THAT!! Not only does he try and score on his own basket, but he fails miserably…SEVERAL TIMES!! It takes one of his own players blocking his last attempt to get the idiot to realize what he's doing. Think that counts in the stat sheet? I wonder what the point guard just standing there was thinking…
So thank you, random dude from Belgium, for being our fail of the week.
Tweet Facebook Comment of the Week
So for hoops last year, we'd usually take a clever tweet from one of our followers and post it on here. However, we're all too lazy to read through that garbage, so instead, we bring you a classic Facebook comment left on our page's wall: "No post. Well let me say it. Fire 'em all. Beamer and all. Save Foster. We should have lost that game. We suck and hopefully we play Smithfield high in our bowl game."
We were nice and spelled "our" correctly for him. You can thank us later. Regardless, he's right. Our football team sucks. We were awful against UVA. Logan Thomas sucks. Our offensive staff is inept. We still have no idea how we won that game. Seriously, we basically handed that game on a silver f*cking platter to UVA and still won. Whatever. Football is basically done. C Gally wanted me to do a write-up on UVA, but honestly, you readers are better off without it.
Obligatory Shout Out of the Week
No guarantee this becomes an every week thing, but if you can blow my mind, maybe it'll be considered. Nonetheless, I owe MDLatqp a shot out for correctly naming the two schools BC had beaten in football before our game. So, congratuf*ckinglations- here is your shout out. You're famous to our
two three (C Gally told me we gained a reader). Now get over it.
The Good Guys
We are thin. Dangerously thin. Pretty sure we only have 8 dudes on scholarship this year. To be quite honest, I don't know a ton about the hoops team yet. However, I know the following:
1) We can score. Seriously, we are 9th (IN THE COUNTRY) in scoring right now at 85 ppg. Yeah it's early, but WOW.
2) Erick Green and Jarrell Eddie are flat out nasty. Go look at their stats. I'll wait…….RIGHT??!
3) We can apparently shoot lights out from three now. Uh yeah, we are 13th in the nation in made threes per game.
4) We can defend against the three. Yeah, we're 12th in the nation there.
5) We're not turning the ball over much.
Seriously, that is just amazing. We get it, it's coming against crappy competition, but let's be realistic – even Goonberg couldn't do this against the same opponents. For once, we can actually be EXCITED about our hoops team. Think about it…we have zero expectations for the team and we're expected to be shiity. So basically, anything positive we do is awesome. JJ has these boys excited to play!
And no, we're not talking about the Avengers here. They are your typical Big Ten basketball team. Play slow, score very little points. Last year this game would have been worse to watch than the VT/UVA football game this past Saturday. This year? Who knows. This Iowa team is 5-1 with a loss to Wichita State (no surprise, they have also been the team to put up the most points against 'em). Typically, Iowa looks to be averaging like 60 points a game. Something's gotta give, right?
Anyway, you know what sucks worse than a basketball team in Iowa? It's just Iowa itself. Seriously…nothing good is there. Am I missing something? Who in the heck would wanna go play any sport there? I really don't get it. Maybe there is something appealing that I'm missing, but really…it's freaking Iowa.
Oh and their mascot's name is Herky. And he likes to beat up little kids.
See that? Kid is just defending himself…
Eh it's a painful process, but sometimes it works out for the best. This time? You be the judge. Based on a 92% match, we bring you the following coach look-a-like:
Coach Fred Hoiberg of Iowa and Mr. Lance Armstrong himself. You know, we heard that Hoiberg also took loads of performance enhancing drugs and won nine straight tour titles before Lance did it. At least that's the word in the cycling world. Either way, both of them are tools.
Iowa Pump Up Video
I thought pump up and then remembered I saw this sweet video on YouTube awhile back. Before you judge about it being a dubstep video, it's actually pretty f*cking cool. If you hate it it's only because you can't dance like this guy can.