Normally, we let B-Dubs roll out the previews for basketball. However, with the game this Saturday being against WVU, it’s only right that your humble editor, born and raised in the wonderful city of Morganhole, should take the reins for this one.
But this isn’t just a basketball preview. We’ve got football, coaching rumors, conference realignment, and a home remedy to get rid of those pesky backyard giraffes. It’s everything you’ve been looking for and more!
So let’s light this couch fire, after the jump…
Yes yes, it’s true. Your humble editor did indeed live in the shadow of WVU for the first 18 years of his truly amazing life. And after spending 18 years there, oddly enough, he decided to leave the first chance he got.
I kid, I kid. Morgantown absolutely has nice aspects. There’s the large population of Jersey kids to make you feel better about yourself. There’s free furniture removal for your undesirable recliners. You have a 98% chance of getting accepted into WVU after graduating high school.
It’s a pretty sweet deal.
Another thing you see growing up there is how much they HATE Virginia Tech. We like to throw that word around a lot here, but seriously. They HAAAAATE Virginia Tech. With a passion. We’re still not entirely sure why, but they definitely hate us way more than we hate them. (We do hate them, of course. They are not Virginia Tech, thus deserving of our hatred.)
Also, there this new MTV show that you’ve probably already heard about. If you haven’t, prepare yourselves for a life changing experience.
Now, it is also true that your humble editor is engaged to the sweetest, most wonderful of WVU girls. She has agreed, however, to let me name the kids Budfoster and Coreymoore, regardless of gender.
Ok, time to talk actual athletics.
The Good Guys
How awesome is it that our basketball team is looking above par right now? Probably the last thing we thought would happen after this abysmal football season.
Coach JJ has looked great. We are scoring a ton more points than we’re used to. Erick Green is an absolute monster.
And get this: WE ARE MAKING FREE THROWS!! DOWN THE STRETCH, TOO!!
Now, one decent win at home does not a great team make, and our schedule before this past Saturday was weaker than B-Dubs’ last attempt to pick up girls. But it’s progress. PROGRESS! In Virginia Tech sports?? IMAGINE THAT!
(Speaking of imagining that, isn’t it weird how, when you get rid of mediocre, underperforming coaches, sometimes teams improve? I know, I know, this is crazy. But apparently, it can happen. Someone alert Frank.)
We are not ranked, but we’re close. And please stop saying we’re 27th. We are unranked. It’s the top 25. What’s the point in having a cut-off if every team getting votes considers themselves in the ranking?
The Bad Guys
WVU is having a rough go of it this year, getting smoked against Gonzaga in this first week of the season. They’ve probably played some other games since then, but we’re not going to look it up.
Suffice it to say that Bobby Huggins will have his boys ready to play. And no matter the score he will be angry. And likely hungover. Anyone know if his new contract still provides him with a driver?
But let’s think about this. The last time we played WVU in anything was in 2005. That was SEVEN YEARS AGO. You are officially old. The kids on the team? Not old. They probably have no idea what this rivalry was like.
I think my favorite aspect of WVU is how much alumni and local fans despise the students. It’s like how you hate high schoolers by the time you’re a sophomore in college. (Personally, your humble editor hated high schoolers when he was in high school. But then again, he’s kind of pretentious. And went to high school in Morgantown.)
Every single football game, a third of the students show up around half time, or just don’t show up at all. This is mainly due to the rampant alcoholism permeating campus.
The whole thing with the fires is embarrassing to anyone above a 9th grade reading level. Seriously, your “tradition” is a felony. Maybe rethink this?
Oh, and expect to hear the student section launch into the most creative and intelligent cheer of all time: “F*CK THE HOKIES!”
Yeah, this doesn’t really have anything to do with the game. But if you didn’t like random ranting, you wouldn’t be here.
B-Dubs Factual Corner
Like we said, B-Dubs usually does the entire preview, but he’s on hiatus. While he takes his vacation, we still make him do everything that doesn’t involve drunken ranting and swearing.
All you need to know is this: after winning against #15 Oklahoma State, James Johnson now has more wins against top 25 non-conference opponents in 7 games than Seth Greenberg did in 9 years. How 'bout dem apples?
With that said, we storm into Morgantown (hopefully without our two football player bomb makers) to take on those dirty 'Eers. Win this game and we might actually crack the top 25! However, we need to win for far better reasons than that. When is the last time we faced WVU in anything? I don't even remember. But we just can't lose to them. EVER.
But fear not! We actually appear to be pretty GOOD at basketball! We rank THIRD in the country in scoring offense (86 points a game!!)!! Can you believe it?! Obviously, we have Erick Green to thank as he is averaging a whopping 25 points per game (third in the country as well); however, we can't discount Eddie's awesome play, either. Same goes for FT% as we're 10th in the country there. Plus, we're still not turning the ball over much. Right now, life is gooooood.
WVU basically sucks. The only things they do well are not turn the ball over and get steals. However, they can't score, rebound, and other major things. Essentially, we should wipe the floor with these assclowns.
Random Football Stuff
So the rumors are rampant that Voldemort and his army of terrible coaches are on their way out. While we are optimistic, we won’t get excited until we hear the press conference.
But honestly, why did it take this long? We feel like Randy Quaid in Independence Day:
Anyone with a pulse knew that any success the football team enjoyed was in spite of our offense. Year in and year out, our offense held us back in key games. Whenever we played a decent coaching staff, they were somehow able to figure out our 7th grade schemes. Somehow…
The folks over at FBS (who may be out of a useful URL here soon) are fairly confident that changes will be made. Here's hoping they are spot on.
It might be even more frustrating to watch the offense with a new coach. If our offense suddenly rises to the level of “Not Dog Shit”, we will just start wondering what might have been. Imagine all those NFL receivers and running backs with a competent coach. Alas…
The ACC, Conference Realignment, and You
So Maryland jumped to the Big 10, because Maryland isn’t completely stupid.
They will make substantially more money in the Big 10, and everyone should have been fired if they had turned it down. If you think they shouldn’t have jumped, you must be that baby from those annoying Jimmy Fallon commercials.
More money is good, especially when your athletic department doesn’t have any.
No one in the ACC cares that it was Maryland, because Maryland sucks.
You don't want to know what The Ambassador is doing back there.
But this isn’t about Maryland. They are just the first rat off the sinking ship.
A big sign was when the SEC and Big 12 signed the deal with the Sugar Bowl. So now it’s Big Ten vs. Pac 12, SEC vs. Big 12, and ACC vs… someone terrible. We are on the outside looking in right now.
We will see how this plays out, but we highly doubt the $50 million penalty will convince many teams to leave for greener pastures.
Hokie Photoshop of the Week
The CMU Football Analyst just cannot WAIT for this craptacular bowl game.
Replacement Voldemort of the Game
Yes, we know there’s no Voldemort on the basketball team, but there’s hopefully only a few more weeks having to use this moniker for the fired-coach-walking.
So where do we turn when we need to beat a Mountaineer?
The most intelligent man we know.
Bill Nye the Science Guy
“Why? Because f*ck you, that’s why.” –Bill Nye, 1997 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally
LET’S GO HOKIES!!