Guh. This shit is still going? It’s already Thursday again?
Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week
We believe… kind of.
There isn’t really much left to say. We suck. Everything sucks.
So let’s concentrate our hate for this week.
Let’s concentrate on special teams.
The importance of having good special teams cannot possibly be understated. A bad defense gives up 5 yards a play. A good special teams can give up an extra 15 yards every kickoff.
Teams that block a kick in a game win that game 92% of the time. That stat is completely made up, but you gotta think it’s close to accurate.
A blocked kick can absolutely win you a game you would not have won otherwise. It’s a complete game changer. This is a philosophy that built Virginia Tech football into what it was last season.
Most of the times, that sentence ends with “…into what it is today.” But that doesn’t really work here, because what we are today is dog shit.
There was a Maroon Effect t-shirt a while back that said the specials teams’ goal was to “Score.”
Today, that would say “Try not to f*ck up.”
We used to expect blocks. Now, we just hope our punter can get his hands on the ball.
We don’t know what the problem is, that’s not why we are here. We just know what the problem is. There’s guys that make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to figure that shit out. Maybe they should do it.
The Bad Guys
Florida State is good. Really good. Like, way way better than us.
We have lost 5 games, and FSU is the best team we will play all year.
As much as I wish I could be in Blacksburg for this game, hearing that f*cking chop all night would be the worst ever.
To deal with it, start drinking at noon. And don’t stop until you wake up in the Taco Bell parking lot.
The Good Guys
We almost forgot! We DID have a rant lined up from the Miami game! Ahhem…
The end of the first half. Holy. F*cking. Shit.
Beamer should have been fired at halftime. And I am not kidding. We had the ball inside the Miami 20 with what, a minute left? We ate a timeout and had to kick a field goal on second down.
We had three timeouts. We used two. And we ran out of time.
I will repeat: HOLY. F*CKING. SHIT.
The incompetence of this coaching staff is un-f*cking-believable. There is absolutely no excuse for that. The coaches straight up cost us 4 points. Yes, we know we may not have gotten into the endzone, but we would have had at least 2 more shots at it.
Now that we think about it, those two extra play would have been run up the middle for no gain and obvious telegraphed QB sneak, so nevermind.
Thursday night in Blacksburg. Remember when that used to mean something? Those days seem so, so long ago.
Can we win? Absolutely. NC State beat the ‘Noles, and they have a Glennon playing quarterback.
But our chances are not good. It’ll a cold day in hell before we beat this team.
Fortunately, it’s going to be about 30 degrees at the Math Emporium. This could totally happen.
How? F*ck if we know. Play better than we have all year, fire everyone but Bud before the game, and go balls to the wall.
B-Dub’s Factual Corner
Sorry everyone, I just don’t care enough right now to look into anything statistics about FSU or continue to make myself cry by looking at how awful we are in the same categories. We suck, so is there really any reason to give you stats? Look at it this way: FSU is better than us on all sides of the ball. They will beat us. They will probably end up murdering a few of us. Seriously that’s all you need to know. This is going to be harder to watch than an old, overweight man in a speedo. In the words of Bluto, “My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.”
Zombie Kill of the Week
Each week, D_w finds the biggest hit from the prior game. At least, he’s supposed to be doing that. We don’t pay him to just sit around. In fact, we don’t pay him at all.
SO MUCH HATE~!!@#@!@%!@#$% how about we cut right to it. This week’s Zombie Kill goes to the offensive side of the game.. I give you what you all have been seeing in your dreams, its what nightmares are made of…
I give you O’CainSpring, this monstrous creation is to blame for an offense that has not changed in a decade, and is the reason for the vast majority of the hate here at NEZ. Everyone here at NEZ has been fearful of the day that O’CainSpring would rise to a position of power, and it would seem that they have taken a spot on a coaching staff that will allow them to grow and continue to ruin future seasons. Beware of O’CainSpring, do not make eye contact, and for no reason, should you ever cheer, praise or defend O’CainSpring.
BE BETTER! of the Week
This is a new feature that will likely show up each week. We’ve used this phrase plenty in conversations outside of the NEZ. Basically, telling someone to BE BETTER is calling them out on being lazy or ignorant at something they’re supposed to do.
Did you read the rant about the end of the first half? Embarrassing. This is one thing that should be academic. Easy. A no brainer.
This is what our donations go to.
This Week in F You ESPN
this should also go under “BE BETTER”, but in the Miami game, we missed a play because they were showing highlights of the NFL game. WE MISSED A FREAKING PLAY!
There is literally one reason I tolerate watching ESPN, and it’s to see actual football.
It’s really not that hard. There’s like 7 minutes of actual football in the 3 hour span. Your only job is to show us those 7 minutes. Everything else is extra. How do you screw up that badly?
Oh. Right. ESPN.
Avid Reader Comment of the Week
With all the hate that goes on around this site, we’d like to talk about something that we love: Reader Comments.
Why do we love them? For many reasons:
1. We know that people other than our parents are reading.
2. We don’t have to come up with funny content on our own (always a bad idea)
3. The comments are usually funnier than anything we could think up.
This week, B-Rock decides to make an appearance. We thought he was dead, but apparently he was just “finding himself” in the American Southwest. Came back with lots of fireworks.
I could not agree more. I stopped watching at halftime. We look awful and there is no excuse for that especially coming off of a bye week.
We totally forgot this was off a bye week! We had 4 extra days to prepare, and we came out with f*ck all to show for it. The game plan was apparently, “Meh, 12 points should do it.”
Text of the Week
From Hokie Ambassador, referencing our little ditty from Monday:
“I really like how you rhymed ‘die hard’ with ‘f*cktard.’ How many beers did that one take?”
Also, does anyone know how to play guitar and sing?
Hokie E-Card of the Week
Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie..something. This week, he sends us something from his hippie, commie, liberal agenda:
Gratuitous Tommy Boy Quote of the Week
Tommy: You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn’t pick up, ’cause I’ll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass!
[Editor’s note: We’re totally using this line for the next wide receiver screen.]
Replacement Voldemort of the Week
Man, when the two guys from the greatest scene in movie history can’t get it done, we are really at a loss.
We are huge underdogs.
If you played this game 100 times, we’d probably lose 99 of them.
But that still leaves… one time.
And who’s the coach that can get us that one time?
Well, let’s just say his name is on a water tower:
LET’S GO HOKIES!!