Game 10: Georgia Tech

gt_musclesWarning: Picture may induce vomiting / hysterical laughter.

It’s the annual Game of the Year. Once again, this one means a lot.

Get your popcorn, beer, and punching bag ready. Well, mainly just the beer.

Jokes n’ junk, after the jump




Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

You know, it would be really easy for us to go with one of the most popular songs about a trip to Georgia…

And dammit, we like easy. And this song.


We begin this preview as we begin every preview: by reviewing that craptastic showing our offense had in the prior game.

Zero points in the second half against Duke. ZERO.

Not a field goal. Nothing.

Yeah, we won, I get it. But no points in the second half? Please, someone explain how that is anything but pathetic.

Do we have a game plan before each game? Do we make any adjustments at half time? I don’t understand what Voldemort does that gets him the salary he has. ZERO POINTS IN THE SECOND HALF AGAINST DUKE. Gaaaaaaaaah I just can’t scream it loud enough.

We end this portion of the preview as always end this portion of the preview: Oh, and good job defense.


The Bad Guys

There is only one bad guy here, and his name is Paul Johnson. There is no single coach I enjoy beating more than this joker.

From gimmicky offenses to cheap blocks at the knees, this guy just sucks. He’s also uglier than Mick Jagger.


So yeah, eff that guy. Can’t wait for the triple option. Can’t believe they haven’t won the ACC every year with that shit…


The Good Guys

Virginia Tech is ranked in the top ten right now. Are we the worst top ten team in college football history? Very likely. I will not be researching, but we have to be up there.

This team just seems to be flying by the seat of its pants right now.

Our offense has the best running back in the conference, and we have no idea how to use him.

Our special teams are a joke.

Our defense is solid, but banged up.

We seem to have no identity, and each week our fans have no clue what to expect.

But this was a bye week. Our thinking is that we took those extra few days and totally turned into a legit top ten team. Here’s hoping we’re right.


The Game

This game is freaking HUGE. Ginormous, even. If we win, all we have to do is beat the Frenchies up in Charlottesville and we have our shot at a rematch with Clemson.

We don’t have a good idea of what to expect. GAH Tech could totally run right over us. Or we could put up 40 points. Who the hell knows?

We do know that this is our chance, on national TV, to prove all the doubters wrong. The people that keep telling you that we’re a mirage. People like us, saying we’re a mirage.

This is the chance here. There’s no emotion coming off a horrible loss to Clemson. These are the games that great teams win. Games you’re supposed to win when you have no chip on your shoulder.

Just. F***ing. DO IT.


Zombie Kill of the Week

Each week, D_w gives us his Zombie Kill of the Week. Now, nut up or shut up.

Ok, so here is this week’s Zombie Kill… Oh wait, you get nothing because you only beat Duke by 4! Yep.. there were a couple of big hits during the game but no one deserves a Zombie Kill this week after a performance like that. Get back on the practice field, which by the way is nicer than the high school field you tried to lose on this weekend and lock it up!

Try again next time.

Please note, D_w did not nut up. He must now shut up.


Random College “Football” Game Attended of the Week

We had trouble deciding which word to put the quotation marks around…

Your humble editor couldn’t deal with our shitty offense anymore, so he decided to watch a REAL offense at work.

That’s right, I attended the Carnegie Mellon / Wash. U (St. Louis) game.

It was an ugly, snowy affair. We drank beers and grilled out on top of the parking garage that overlooks the field. The crowd was electric. And by electric, we mean sparse and mostly Asian.

It was homecoming, so it was quite a special game. So special, in fact, that the band didn’t show up and no unusual events took place whatsoever. Apparently, homecoming at CMU entails coming back and attending symposiums on the newest computer issues, followed by a spritely match of Quidditch.

The Tartans (that’s CMU’s nickname, it means plaid… I can’t make this shit up) scored first. But like watching a Tech game, single digits is all they could muster. The Bears won 14-7, with granola bars and Capri Suns handed out following the game.

And if you were wondering, no, there was no entrance song.


This Week in F You ESPN


A Cutler Above??? F***ING REALLY??!?!!

This headline defines ESPN to me. Lowest common denominator drivel.

At least come up with something that’s actually clever, like “Game 10: Georgia Tech” or “Game 10: Georgia Tech Predictions.”

Also, a bonus F You goes to CBS, for telling me that if I didn’t enjoy that LSU / Alabama atrocity, that I wasn’t a true football fan.

Yeah, I absolutely love watching two shitty offenses play their absolute worst against two great defenses. It’s so exciting!! Can I have some missed field goals as well??

I can appreciate a good low scoring game. That was not a good game. In the same way that Michigan / Notre Dame was a fun game between two bad teams, this was an awful game between two good teams. And it doesn’t make you any less of a fan to say so.

Did anyone watch the Steelers / Ravens game? THAT was a good defensive game, even despite the fact that it was higher scoring.

The LSU / ‘Bama game was like watching women’s basketball. Yeah, the athletes have talent, but I’m still bored to tears.


Avid Reader Comment of the Week

With all the hate that goes on around this site, we’d like to talk about something that we love: Reader Comments.

Why do we love them? For many reasons:

1. We know that people other than our parents are reading.

2. We don’t have to come up with funny content on our own (always a bad idea)

3. The comments are usually funnier than anything we could think up.

This week’s award goes to everyone that posted a comment to HokieUmp’s reader submission. Great conversation, AND I was able to utilize a quote from Big Tom Callahan. Well done, all around.


Hokie Motivator of the Week

Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie Motivator. This week, he brings us a PSA about vehicle safety.



Gratuitous Dumb and Dumber Quote of the Week

Yes, we’re stealing this straight from Deadspin’s Jamboroo. No, we don’t care.

Harry: According to the map we’ve only gone about 4 inches.


Note: Strangely relevant to our offense…


Replacement Voldemort of the Week

Was there ever any question?


General Sherman

Burn. It. To. The. GROUND.