ACC Championship

revenge-abc-logoABC, you are damn lucky Modern Family is awesome. We are getting pretty f*cking tired of seeing ads for this crap show.

The best part about playing in the ACC Championship? An extra preview from the NEZ.

You’re welcome, America.

This week’s theme: REVENGE

Let’s light this candle…




Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

This song is off the “Revenge” album. A bit of a stretch? WE DO NOT CARE.


That UVA game was perfect. Just perfect. SO perfect, in fact, that we received even more pictures from the “game”:

Critter.Pants How do you leave the house like that???

Big thanks to LaF (who is a GIRL!) for the pic.

Finally, we also received this:


Poorly done photoshop? Apparently, people are trying to duplicate us…

Anyways, that game was awesome. 38-0. I wonder who Mike London wants to bitch at now?

On to this week…


The Bad Guys

Buenos noches, BITCHES. Remember us? We’re BAAAAACK!!


First, let’s go back to Game 5. Wanna know what Clemson did afterwards?

Wow. Just wow.

Big thanks to Maniak for sending this along. Maybe now he can shave his moustache.

First of all, is this a thing at Clemson? I had NO idea. Did they just steal this from Souvlaki?


That looks like a real tombstone. Are they using REAL tombstones for this? That seems wasteful for people that can’t afford them for their loved ones.

Second, is Dabo Sweeney (teehehe… Dabo) the worst off-the-cuff speaker ever? He looks so uncomfortable trying to think of something to say. I bet his pregame speeches are just riveting.

Clemson is basically the same team we saw in October, just shittier. They still have Tahj, who has come a long way since being Michelle’s bff.

Oh Mr. Mowry. What happened to you..and those suspenders?

Sammy Watkins is still there.

Their defense is still stingy.

But let’s not forget: They’re still Clemson.

They were blowing big games before we even played in them. They were the original “Munson.”


So don’t let one game in October fool you.


The Good Guys

More like the AWESOME guys, AMIRITE??

We are playing some damn good football right now.

A shutout? In a rivalry game? Unheard of.

38 points? From our offense? DEFINITELY unheard of.

And how’s about the progression of Logan Thomas? It’s crazy how far he’s come since the start of the season, or even since the first game against Clemson. Looking back, that was really a turning point for him.

Congrats young man. You have earned the nickname permanently.


Speaking of nicknames, with the recent award bestowed upon him, our running back can now be known as ACCPOYDMFW. It has a nice ring to it.

Special teams… well… let’s just say we had our receiver punt, and he been the best all year. We are 117th out of 120 teams in net punting. But with Danny back there, hopefully we can turn it around for these last two games.

The defense is on FIRE right now. In fact, we are top 12 nationally in all defensive categories, and top 2 in the conference. (Can you tell I found the nifty team report on Get ready for more research!) It makes sense that we would have a TON of defensive players on the All ACC team, right?

Wait… we had NONE?!?!


Who votes on these things? Do they have any reason to be on this committee? Do they watch any games?

I can’t even begin to describe how stupid this is. Here’s hoping the boys take it as a slight and come out angry on Saturday. Super angry. Like an old man sending back soup at a deli.


The Game

By now, you’ve heard it a million times. “Take everything you saw in October and throw it out.” Well I say F that. REMEMBER IT.

Remember how it felt to be embarrassed on our own field. 3 f*cking points?? We’d better come out guns blazing.

The game is going to come down to the usual things. Win the turnover battle. Get the running game going. Stop the big play. Blah blah blah.

Just f*cking win, ok? Just f*cking win.


Zombie Kill of the Week

Each week Sometimes, D_w Starscream gives us his Zombie Kill of the Week. Apparently, he feels bad about being such a slacker, so this week he gave us DOUBLE!

So when the defense plays hard enough to get a shut out the defense plays hard enough to get two zombie kills, right? Well not exactly.. this week we have a zombie kill double feature as our Hokies showed UVA where they really belong.  While the defense played out of their minds making it a tough choice for who gets the lunch pail but the heavy hits came on the offensive side of the ball.  As BDubs and Maniak so nicely pointed out, there were two monster de-cleating hits laid out, one by Logan Thomas the Tank Engine and one by D.J Coles. If you’re too lazy to click on two different videos, not to worry, Zombie Kill caters to the needs of the lazy so I combined it to be one video.. Enjoy the ride, I’m sure those two suckers from UVA sure did.


Reader Email of the Week Decade

We received this email from someone with the gmail handle, “LuvzAznChix.”

If you think that’s awesome, wait til you read the email:

I don’t know where or when that pic of the UVA douchebags posted in Trashing UVa y’all got that from but DAYUM! Two of the chicks in the pic (the ones without the purse) I would take back to the dorm & do stuff to them. I won’t go into detail, but I will say that they do include the phrase “hot karl.” Lmao. Anyways, thx for posting up the pics. Dem chicks aren’t that bad (other than being a couple of Wa-Ho’s). All banter aside. Let’ kill ’em! HOKIE HIGH, NEVER DIE! Gobble, gobble bitches.

Lmao indeed, good sir.


BE BETTER! of the Week

This is a new feature that will likely show up each week. We’ve used this phrase plenty in conversations outside of the NEZ. Basically, telling someone to BE BETTER is calling them out on being lazy or ignorant at something they’re supposed to do.

Pittsburgh Steelers come up 4 yards short on third down around the Chiefs’ 40. Ben rushes everyone to the line. Fake hut. Fake hut. Fake audible. Fake hut. Call timeout.

Wait… CALL TIMEOUT?!?!?! You are at the 40!!!

You just completely wasted a timeout. Take the freaking 5 yard penalty. It means NOTHING. But one of your three precious timeouts? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??

I love Mike Tomlin. I would wear a Mike Tomlin jersey if they sold it. He would win a 32 coach royal rumble (with Andy Reid coming in a close second, of course). But how do you let this happen?

This brings me to another point: There is no acceptable reason for an offense to use a timeout. NONE.

If you have to use a timeout on offense, someone messed up. You control everything. You know that you have 40 seconds to get to the line. Get the play in and figure it out. I think coaches and players don’t realize how valuable those timeouts CAN be down the line. Maybe they wouldn’t matter anyways. But there’s no good reason to waste them.

So to the Steelers and any other timeout wasters out there…



This Week in F You ESPN

Our main beef with ESPN this week is their continued employment of Rick Reilly. Here we see his new column:

Here’s how we imagine Reilly goes about starting an “article:

Step 1: Find topic that everyone has already addressed earlier in the week. In fact, take arguments almost verbatim from Stewart Mandel’s actual article.

Step 2: Think of phrases that would make Rick Reilly and only Rick Reilly laugh.

Step 3: Fart on keyboard

Step 4: Publish

This man makes more money than you would know what to do with. Good luck sleeping tonight.


This Week in F You ESPN (Take 2)

You have broken the soul of the internet.


Avid Reader Comment of the Week

With all the hate that goes on around this site, we’d like to talk about something that we love: Reader Comments.

Why do we love them? For many reasons:

1. We know that people other than our parents are reading.

2. We don’t have to come up with funny content on our own (always a bad idea)

3. The comments are usually funnier than anything we could think up.

This week’s award once again goes to IllinoisHokie, for putting together our weekly thought process of picking a replacement Voldemort:

I was actually going to recommend earlier in the week that your replacement Voldemort of the week follow along the lines of your General Sherman pick for GT and go with someone who at some point completely pwned France.

And then I realized, aligning our football program with Adolf Hitler is probably not the best PR move.



Hokie Motivator of the Week

Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie Motivator.

This week, he doubles up. Apparently, that’s the thing to do this week.

Is that a reference to The Crazies? We don’t know whether to say “well done” or refer you to a doctor.


Gratuitous Dumb and Dumber Quote of the Week

Yes, we’re stealing this straight from Deadspin’s Jamboroo. No, we don’t care.

You knew it was coming…

Lloyd: Hey guys! Big Gulps, huh? Alright. … Welp, see ya later!

I imagine this is how Voldemort looks when he walks past the defense in the locker room.


Replacement Voldemort of the Week

Revenge is a funny thing.

In October, we lost something special to us: Our pride.

Now, we have a chance to get it back.

One man knows the feeling.

One man who was in the most badass movie of all time.

Badass Liam Neeson

We don’t care who you are. We don’t care what you want. If you are looking for ransom, we can tell you we don’t have money. But what we do have is a very particular set of skills; skills we have acquired over a very long domination of this conference. Skills that make us a nightmare for teams like you. If you let the ACC Championship go now, that’ll be the end of it. We will not look for you. We will not pursue you. But if you don’t, we will look for you, we will find you, and we will kill you.

Hope you have a tombstone for yourself.


ACC Championship


It’s ACC Championship time. Hello again, our friend.

Your humble editor, Poppa Gally, the Hokie Ambassador to Philly/Morgantown, and the rest of your Hokie brethren will be in Charlotte. Win-win? Absolutely.

After the jump… drunken ramblings. It’s what we do.




Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week

Do you even need to ask why?

Also, at the beginning, anyone notice Brandon Pace? Wow. That guy.


So before we get to the ACC Championship, let’s talk about the annual decimation of UVA…


Seriously, screw you guys. This used to be a rivalry. We used to hate each other even more than we do now. But now you just suck, and we couldn’t love it any more.

I met a guy from W&L tonight. He considered UVA for grad school. The quote:

“I couldn’t handle two more years in rural Virginia with people that were complete DOUCHES.”

Seriously. The emphasis was on “douches”. It was the greatest quote of my life.

So Cavs, I must say, it’s been a fun 6 years. Maybe someday you’ll be able to score a few points before garbage time, but I doubt that time will come any time soon.

And though there’s joy in our chest, we still wish you the best with a…



Holy shit, we’re in the ACC Championship again. Kinda feels like home, doesn’t it?


The Bad Guys

So our record against FSU is something like 1-80. But does everyone remember that 1? Cuz I do!!!

It was the greatest college football game ever. 2007 (maybe? I dunno, last time they played in Blacksburg). We scored the last 20 point of the game and won 40-21. And on the last touchdown, the entire stadium did a mocking chop.

Since I was 5 years old, I’ve hated Florida State. I don’t know why, but I did. I waited all that time to do the chop in mocking fashion. And when we did it as a stadium… words couldn’t describe the feeling. My nipples were harder than a rock in an ice storm.

So guess what I’m looking forward to in this game! That’s right, the mocking chop. When we put this shit away, I’m starting it. Hokie-nation will join me. And it shall be glorious.

As far as the ACTUAL Florida State team? No one cares. Ponder is a toolbag, and we’ve kicked his ass before.


The Good Guys

Oh the good guys. Nothing but praise right now. Tyrod just won ACC Player of the Year. Our running backs are like the triumvirate of Constantinople.

Our defense…is making plays. They might give us a heart attack, but they come up with key turnovers when it matters.

And how about Hosley? This guy is just a monster. Odds on him getting a pick this week? The same as me getting hammertimed.

And do you want some actual research? Well the FSU kickoff unit sucks donkey balls. And we’re going to take one back. Mark it down. You’re welcome.


The Game

As I mentioned, we suck against FSU. But that was the Bowden FSU, not the Jimbo Douchebag FSU. Jimbo? Really? You’re a fucking grown man going by Jimbo? No wonder no one likes you.

Luckily, Bobby and Mrs. Bowden will be in attendance at the game.

We’ve heard that they’re getting a balcony seat.

Bobby is on the……nevermind.


RMFW T-Shirt Sighting of the Week

No sightings this week, but we will FINALLY get an RMFW picture with Poppa Gally. I know everyone has been waiting for visual confirmation that (A) I have a father and (B) there is a real person that predicts a blocked kick every week.


Hokie Motivator(s) of the Week

The CMU Football Analyst is all business this week…


All. Business.


Replacement Offensive Coordinator

Yeah, no other choice.