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Well, that's not a headline I thought I'd ever write.
After the jump, vote on your favorite quotes from Airplane!, the American Pies, Animal House, and Beerfest.
We'll get through to decent basketball somehow...
Airplane!
1.
Ted Striker: I have a drinking problem. [throws water on his face]
2.
Striped controller: Bad news. The fog's getting thicker.
Johnny: [jumps to an overweight controller] And Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrger.
3.
Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.
4.
Ted Striker: Because of my mistake, six men didn't return from that raid.
Elaine Dickinson: Seven. Lieutenant Zip died this morning.
5.
Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
6.
Hanging Lady: Nervous?
Ted Striker: Yes.
Hanging Lady: First time?
Ted Striker: No, I've been nervous lots of times.
7.
Roger Murdock: Flight 2-0-9'er, you are cleared for take-off.
Captain Oveur: Roger!
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Tower voice: L.A. departure frequency, 123 point 9'er.
Captain Oveur: Roger!
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Victor Basta: Request vector, over.
Captain Oveur: What?
Tower voice: Flight 2-0-9'er cleared for vector 324.
Roger Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence.
Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
Tower voice: Tower's radio clearance, over!
Captain Oveur: That's Clarence Oveur. Over.
Tower voice: Over.
Captain Oveur: Roger.
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Tower voice: Roger, over!
Roger Murdock: What?
Captain Oveur: Huh?
Victor Basta: Who?
8.
Elaine Dickinson: There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
9.
Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.
10.
Elaine Dickinson: You got a letter from headquarters this morning.
Ted Striker: What is it?
Elaine Dickinson: It's a big building where generals meet, but that's not important.
11.
Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?
12.
Captain Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
Captain Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked?
13.
Joey: Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.
Roger Murdock: I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.
Joey: You are Kareem. I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets.
Roger Murdock: I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence?
Captain Oveur: Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here.
Roger Murdock: But just remember, my name is
[showing his nametag]
Roger Murdock: ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot.
Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense.
[Kareem's getting mad]
Joey: And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.
Roger Murdock: The hell I don't. LISTEN KID. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.
14.
Young Boy with Coffee: Excuse me, I happened to be passing, and I thought you might like some coffee.
Little Girl: Oh, that's very nice of you, thank you.
[takes coffee]
Little Girl: Oh, won't you sit down?
Young Boy with Coffee: Cream?
Little Girl: No, thank you, I take it black, like my men.
15.
Steve McCroskey: I need the best man on this. Someone who knows that plane inside and out and won't crack under pressure.
Johnny: How about Mister Rogers?
16.
Rumack: I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.
17.
Male announcer: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone.
Female announcer: No, the white zone is for loading of passengers and there is no stopping in a RED zone.
Male announcer: The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There's never stopping in a white zone.
Female announcer: Don't you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping!
Male announcer: Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again. There's just no stopping in a white zone.
Female announcer: Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.
Male announcer: It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there's no danger involved.
18.
Rumack: The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.
19.
Ted Striker: It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit.
20.
[Randy is crying]
Rumack: Randy, are you all right?
Randy: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared. And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married.
Rumack: We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.
[a woman passenger comes in]
Mrs. Hammen: Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing?
Rumack: Pretty soon, how are you bearing up?
Mrs. Hammen: Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But at least I have a husband.
------------------------------------------------
American Pie 1-3
1.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful.
College Girl: What did you just say?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful!
[girl laughs]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Friends call me Nova as in Casanova.
College Girl: That's pathetic!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Jeez you don't have to laugh at me.
2.
Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.
3.
Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?
4.
[On being sensitive]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.
5.
Jim: Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a mermaid dude.
Jim: Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz.
6.
Stifler: Who the hell was that?
Oz: That was uh... that was...
Jim: Was someone was lost looking for the lake.
Kevin: Yeah
Oz: Yeah, turned around.
Stifler: What a dumbass, the lake's right there.
7.
Steve Stifler: It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-f*cker. 'Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and rock out with my cock out.
Paul Finch: Grandmotherf*cker.
Steve Stifler: Motherf*cker.
Paul Finch: Yes. I. am.
8.
Michelle: Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. It's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.
9.
Stifler: It's on like Donkey Kong, beeyotch.
------------------------------------------------
Animal House
1.
Katy: Boon, I think I'm in love with a retard.
Boon: Is he bigger than me?
2.
Otter: Flounder, I am appointing you pledge representative to the social committee.
Flounder: Gee Otter, thanks. What do I have to do?
Otter: It means you have to drive us to the Food King.
3.
Dean Vernon Wormer: The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.
4.
Bluto: They took the bar! The whole f*cking bar!
5.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
6.
D-Day: War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
Bluto: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: Germans?
Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.
Bluto: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...
[thinks hard]
Bluto: the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!
[runs out, alone; then returns]
Bluto: What the f*ck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst. "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...
Otter: Dead! Bluto's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.
Bluto: We're just the guys to do it.
D-Day: Let's do it.
Bluto: *Let’s do it*!
7.
Flounder: May I have ten thousand marbles, please?
8.
Bluto: Christ. Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the f*cking Peace Corps.
9.
[Flounder has just fired a blank cartridge near Neidermeyer's horse, and the horse has dropped dead]
Bluto: Holy shit!
D-Day: There were blanks in that gun!
Flounder: I didn't even point the gun at him!
Bluto: Holy shit!
[D-Day checks the gun]
D-Day: There WERE blanks in that gun!
Flounder: Maybe he had a heart attack.
Bluto: Holy shit!
10.
Otter: Point of parliamentary procedure!
Hoover: Don't screw around, they're serious this time!
Otter: Take it easy, I'm pre-law.
Boon: I thought you were pre-med.
Otter: What's the difference?
11.
Katy: Is this really what you're gonna do for the rest of your life?
Boon: What do you mean?
Katy: I mean hanging around with a bunch of animals getting drunk every weekend.
Boon: No! After I graduate, I'm gonna get drunk every night.
12.
Bluto: My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Otter: Better listen to him, Flounder, he's in pre-med.
13.
Chip: [being spanked as part of Omega's initiation] Thank you, sir! May I have another?
14.
Greg Marmalard: But Delta's already on probation.
Dean Vernon Wormer: They are? Well, as of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!
15.
Doug Neidermeyer: And most recently of all, a "Roman Toga Party" was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.
16.
Mean dude: Do you mind if we dance with your dates?
17.
Babs: That boy is a P-I-G pig.
18.
Pinto: Before we go any further, there's something I have to tell you. I lied to you. I've never done this before.
Clorette De Pasto: You've never made out with a girl before?
Pinto: No. No, I mean, I've never done what I think we're gonna do in a minute. I sort of did once, but I was drunk...
Clorette De Pasto: That's okay, Larry. Neither have I. It's my first time too. And besides, I lied to you, too.
Pinto: Oh, yeah? What about?
Clorette De Pasto: I'm only 13.
19.
Boon: [Niedermyer is abusing Flounder in ROTC] Vicious mother, isn't he?
Otter: He can't do that to our pledges!
Boon: Only we can do that to our pledges.
------------------------------------------------
Beerfest
1.
Barry Badrinath: Why don't we get you out those wet clothes, and into a dry martini.
2.
Barry Badrinath: I wish it were winter so we could freeze it into ice blocks and skate on it and melt it in the spring time and drink it!
3.
Barry Badrinath: It's $10 for a BJ, $12 for an HJ, $15 for a ZJ...
Landfill: [Interrupting] What's a ZJ?
Barry Badrinath: If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
4.
Todd Wolfhouse: Jim Tobleson said they called in a hostage negotiator
Landfill: Jim Tobleson's a fucking Chatty Cathy! I did my three years up at the county pen. Made some friends, went Muslim. Now I'm out, praise Allah.
5.
Barry Badrinath: [after drinking Ram's piss] Oh man, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever drank.
Landfill: I doubt that very much, playboy
6.
Barry Badrinath: [about Great Gam Gam] All I'm saying is... that whore thing could be a real possibility. Some of my best friends are whores.
Jan Wolfhouse: We know, Barry.
7.
Barry Badrinath: I'm better when I'm drunk!
8.
Jan Wolfhouse: And here's something else you forgot to factor in - we're not that drunk.
Pim Scutney: Did you hear that everybody? They said they're not that drunk! Cheeky bastards!
Crowd: [shouting along] They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk!
9.
Herr Referee: DAS BOOT!
10.
Barry Badrinath: I was in Thailand playing ping-pong in Ding-Dang. A high stakes game in some opium den. Turns out, these aren't the types of guys who like to lose. When I beat them, they beat me. They worked me over good. And this is hard to say. They held me down and shoved a ping-pong paddle up my ass.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Ah geeze Barry! I don't know what I'd do if someone shoved a paddle-handle up my ass!
Barry Badrinath: It wasn't the handle! I've been shitting pancakes ever since!
11.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I once saw him fart a plum... I was plum surprised.
12.
Jan Wolfhouse: So yeah, I heard you got fired from the brewery?
Landfill: [Landfill gets mad, throws his trophy] God damn brewery! You know that brewery makes 10,000 bottles of beer a day. I drink 45 of them, and I'm the asshole!
13.
Otto: Despite your thievery, we are prepared to buy it from you right now... in cash.
[opens suitcase of euros]
Jan Wolfhouse: Big deal. A suitcase full of monopoly money.
Schlemmer: Come on, those are euros.
Landfill: What's that, like pesos?
Otto: That is legal European tender!
Rolf: I told you we should have brought Deutsch marks.
Gunter: But they are so hard to find!
Good luck to all participants.
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