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Slowly but surely, we're getting there.
Your 40 Year Old Virgin quotes after the jump...
1.
Cal: You're gay, now?
David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.
2.
Cal: [Pointing to a framed poster] I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
3.
Andy Stitzer: Wow, this place is crowded.
David: Yeah, well, you know... nine dollar beer night.
4.
Mooj: Hey Andy, don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not eveybody's a pussy magnet. You, uh, what are you, 25?
Andy Stitzer: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit, man, you got to get on that!
5.
Andy Stitzer: You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!
6.
Nicky: I'm starvin... let's get some f***in french toast!
7.
Andy Stitzer: You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.
David: What?
8.
Andy Stitzer: Is it true that if you don't *use* it, you *lose* it?
Health Clinic Counselor: Is that a serious question?
Andy Stitzer: No, it wasn't.
9.
Paula: I'm very discreet... but I will haunt your dreams.
10.
Mooj: Go f*** a goat.
Jay: [to Mooj] Why you always telling me to go f*** a goat?
11.
Andy Stitzer: I'm a virgin. I always have been.
12.
David: Hey, Paula.
Paula: Yeah?
David: I gotta tell you something. I'm really excited about it. Uh, for the first time today, I woke up, I came to the store, and I feel confident to say to you that if you don't take this Michael McDonald DVD that you've been playing for two years straight off, I'm going to kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain.
Paula: David, what do you suggest we play?
David: I don't care. Anything. I would rather... I would rather watch "Beautician and the Beast". I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, but if I hear "Yah Mo B There" one more time, I'm going to "Yah Mo" burn this place to the ground.
13.
Andy Stitzer: [confused by Beth's thong] There's something wrong with her underwear.
Cal: Yeah. They're not in my mouth.
14.
Andy Stitzer: I hope you have a big trunk... because I'm puttin' my bike in it.
15.
Andy Stitzer: Is this shirt too yellow?
Cal: No… Tell me, what's Curious George like in real life?
16.
Andy Stitzer: That girl was a ho... for sho.
17.
Andy Stitzer: [drunk] You know the thing about relationships is that they make one person go, "Blah blah blah blah blah," and the other person go, "What are you talking about?" And then one person goes, "Blah blah blah blah blah."
Cal: How much have you had to drink, man?
Andy Stitzer: Oh, how much have I had to drink? Hey, how many pots have you smoken?
Cal: What are you talking about?
Andy Stitzer: Oh, how many times have you gone to the bathroom in your life? Let me ask you that. You know what, you don't have an answer for that, do you? Who the f*** you, man? I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, you're such a good guy, and I appreciate you.
18.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face".
Cal: That's gay?
19.
Jay: Nastiest shit you've ever done? I'm talkin' about *nasty*!
Andy Stitzer: Ahh... wow. So many stories are running through my head right now.
[pauses, then lies]
Andy Stitzer: I dated this girl for a while. She was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to get down with sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day, she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! Cool!"
20.
David: I went out with this girl for four months and it was the greatest greatest thing in my life. Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think. And, you know, instead of, like, saying, "Okay, what am I doing that caused this behavior?" I dumped her. Stupid decision. I spent the last two years of my life regretting it.
Andy Stitzer: Well, why don't you get her back right now?
David: Oh, cause she's dating this pot dealer. Stupid, horrible decision. But, hey, that's her journey, you know. I gotta respect that. She wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody, that's... that's love, man.
Andy Stitzer: It sounds horrible.
David: Of course it's horrible. It's suffering and it's pain and it's... You know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight, and then you, you know, you call them a bunch of times and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email, but that's just love.
Yeah, we realize you could probably vote twice. But don't be a douche.
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