bill_madison

March Madness Madness: Big Lebowski – Dodgeball

We keep on rolling. After the jump, we’ve got The Big Lebowski, Billy Madison, The Blues Brothers, Boondock Saints, Caddyshack, the Vacation movies, Dazed and Confused, Deliverance, Die Hard, and Dodgeball. Enjoy.

The Big Lebowski

1.

Maude Lebowski: What do you do for recreation? The Dude: Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

2.

Jesus Quintana: You ready to be f*cked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we’re gonna f*ck you up. The Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man. Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I’ll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the f*cking trigger ’til it goes “click.” The Dude: Jesus. Jesus Quintana: You said it, man. Nobody f*cks with the Jesus. Walter Sobchak: Eight-year-olds, Dude.

3.

Walter Sobchak: Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit.

4.

Donny: What the f*ck is he talking about? The Dude: My rug. Walter Sobchak: Forget it, Donny, you’re out of your element! The Dude: Walter, the Chinaman who peed on my rug, I can’t go give him a bill, so what the f*ck are you talking about? Walter Sobchak: What the f*ck are you talking about? The Chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Cross this line, you DO NOT… Also, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please. The Dude: Walter, this isn’t a guy who built the railroads here. This is a guy… Walter Sobchak: What the f*ck are you…? The Dude: Walter, he peed on my rug! Donny: He peed on the Dude’s rug. Walter Sobchak: Donny you’re out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here!

5.

The Dude: It’s like what Lenin said… you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh… Donny: I am the walrus. The Dude: You know what I’m trying to say… Donny: I am the walrus. Walter Sobchak: That f*cking bitch… The Dude: Oh yeah! Donny: I am the walrus. Walter Sobchak: Shut the f*ck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov! Donny: What the f*ck is he talking about, Dude?

6.

Walter Sobchak: I told those f*cks down at the league office a thousand times that I don’t roll on Shabbos! Donny: What’s Shabbos? Walter Sobchak: Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don’t work, I don’t get in a car, I don’t f*cking ride in a car, I don’t pick up the phone, I don’t turn on the oven, and I sure as shit [shouts] Walter Sobchak: don’t f*cking roll! Shomer shabbos! The Dude: Walter… Walter Sobchak: Shomer f*cking shabbos. The Dude: Oh f*ck it. I’m out of here.

7.

Walter: This is what happens when you f*ck a stranger in the ass!

8.

Walter Sobchak: Is this your homework, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry? The Dude: Look, man… Walter Sobchak: Dude, please? Is this your homework, Larry? The Dude: Just ask him about the car. Walter Sobchak: Is this yours, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry? The Dude: Is that your car out front? Walter Sobchak: Is this your homework, Larry? The Dude: We know it’s his f*cking homework! Where’s the f*cking money, you little brat? Walter Sobchak: Look, Larry. Have you ever heard of Vietnam? The Dude: Oh, for Christ’s sake, Walter… Walter Sobchak: You’re entering a world of pain, son. We know that this is your homework. We know that you stole a car. The Dude: And the f*cking money. Walter Sobchak: And the f*cking money. And, we know that this is your homework. The Dude: We’re going to cut your dick off, Larry. Walter Sobchak: You’re killing your father, Larry!

9.

Walter Sobchak: OVER THE LINE! Smokey: Huh? Walter Sobchak: I’m sorry, Smokey. You were over the line, that’s a foul. Smokey: Bullshit. Mark it 8, Dude. Walter Sobchak: Uh, excuse me. Mark it zero. Next frame. Smokey: Bullshit, Walter. Mark it 8, Dude. Walter Sobchak: Smokey, this is not ‘Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.

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Billy Madison

1.

Billy Madison: No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I’m here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.

2.

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul

3.

Billy Madison: [singing] Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school.

4.

Old Man Clemens: Eck, poop again.
Billy Madison: He called the shit “poop”.

5.

3rd Grader: Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.
Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It’s the coolest.
3rd Grader: Really?
Billy Madison: YES. You ain’t cool, unless you pee your pants.
3rd Grader: Hey look, Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!
Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

6.

Billy Madison: Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.
[Notices gold swan on edge of tub]
Billy Madison: Stop looking at me, swan.

7.

Billy Madison: [to Miss Lippy] Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don’t like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn’t put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy’s gotta think ‘You got a pet. You got a responsibility.’ If your dog gets lost you don’t look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that f*cking dog.

8.

Kid: Mortal Kombat, on Sega Genesis, is the best video game ever.
Billy Madison: I disagree, it’s a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.
Kid: Donkey Kong sucks.
Billy Madison: You know something? YOU SUCK!

9.

3rd Grader: Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl
Billy Madison: Kid can’t even read
Ernie: Cut it out dude your gonna get us in trouble.
Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!

10.

Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.
Billy Madison: No, you don’t.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her *got it on*. Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison: No, they didn’t.
Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn’t. But you could imagine what it’d be like if they did, right…? Everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful.
[shouts]
Bus Driver: No yelling on the bus!

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The Blues Brothers

1.

Elwood: Illinois Nazis.
Jake: I hate Illinois Nazis.

2.

Jake: Car’s got a lot of pickup.
Elwood: It’s got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it’s got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It’s a model made before catalytic converters so it’ll run good on regular gas. What do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?

3.

Jake: How often does the train go by?
Elwood: So often that you won’t even notice it.

4.

Jake: [fakes accent] How much for the little girl? How much for the women?
Father: What?
Jake: Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters… sell them to me. Sell me your children.

5.

Mrs. Tarantino: Are you the police?
Elwood: No, ma’am. We’re musicians.

6.

Mystery Woman: You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.
Jake: No I didn’t. Honest… I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn’t have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD.

7.

Elwood: We’re on a mission from God.

8.

Elwood: What kind of music do you usually have here?
Claire: Oh, we got both kinds. We got country *and* western.

9.

Elwood: It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it.

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Boondock Saints

1.

Murphy: We’re sorta like 7-Eleven. We’re not always doing business, but we’re always open.
Connor: That is nicely put.

2.

Connor, Murphy, Il Duce: And shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be.
Il Duce: In nomine Patri.
Connor: Et Fili.
Murphy: Spiritus Sancti.

3.

Paul Smecker: Brilliant. So now we got a huge guy theory, and a serial crusher theory. Top notch.

4.

Connor: Well, “Name one thing you’re gonna need this stupid f*cking rope for.”

5.

Rocco: They can suck my pathetic little d*ck, and I’ll dip my nuts in marinara sauce just so the fat bastards can get a taste of home while they’re at it.

6.

Connor: It’s the real deal, Roc. Evil man, dead man.

7.

Rosengurtie: Wait, rule of thumb? In the early 1900s it was legal for men to beat their wives, as long as they used a stick no wider than their thumb.
Connor: Can’t do much damage with that then, can we? Perhaps it should have been a rule of wrist?

8.

Detective Greenly: [giving his theory about the two dead Russians in the alley] This guy takes a blunt object, f*ckin’, waah! Hits the guy with the bandages around his head, right? Why? ‘Cause he’s smart. He knows the guy with the bandages around his ass, he ain’t goin’ nowhere. He’s goin’ f*ckin’ nowhere.
[to dead body]
Detective Greenly: Where you goin’? Nowhere!

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Caddyshack

1.

Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he’s been club champion for three years running and I’m no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don’t sell yourself short Judge, you’re a tremendous slouch.

2.

Al Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
[looks at Judge Smails, who's wearing the same hat]
Al Czervik: Oh, it looks good on you though.

3.

Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!

4.

Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
Angie D’Annunzio: A looper?
Carl Spackler: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

5.

Danny Noonan: I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won’t have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.

6.

Ty Webb: I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.

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Vacation Movies

1.

Cousin Eddie: I don’t know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh?

2.

Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Sorry folks, park’s closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

3.

Cousin Vicki: I’m going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I’m the best at it.

4.

Clark: Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

5.

Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

6.

Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn… the clean, cool chill of the holiday air… an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer…
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?

7.

Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him’s nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin’ bricks.
Clark: You shouldn’t use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin’ rocks

8.

Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.

Clark: It’s a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
Eddie: Clark, that’s the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.

————————————–

Dazed and Confused

(this one should be fairly straight forward)

1.

Slater: Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man.

2.

Wooderson: That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.

3.

Clint: I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer.
[glances over his shoulder]
Clint: Looks like we’re almost outta beer.

————————————–

Deliverance

1.

Bobby: Mister, I love the way you wear that hat.

2.

Lewis: Sometimes you have to lose yourself ‘fore you can find anything.

3.

Mountain Man: I bet you can squeal like a pig. Weeeeeeee!

4.

Toothless Man: He got a real pretty mouth ain’t he?

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Die Hard

(If you have a better one, let me know.)

Hans Gruber: Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?
John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherf*cker.

————————————–

Dodgeball

1.

Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit… Lance.
Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I’m sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that’s keeping you from the finals?
Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like… shame.
Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn’t have anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. I’m sure this decision won’t haunt you forever.

2.

Peter La Fleur: [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench] Yeah, uh, Patches… are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O’Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O’Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it’s sterile and I like the taste.

3.

Patches O’Houlihan: Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!

4.

White Goodman: Oh, hello, Kate. I wasn’t aware I was paying you to “socialize”.
Kate Veatch: You’re not. I’m off the clock.
White Goodman: Well, isn’t that convenient for you? And the clock.

5.

Patches O’Houlihan: [giving the pre-match pep talk] And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!

6.

Cotton McKnight: In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I’d seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
Pepper Brooks: He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.

7.

White Goodman: There’s no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I’m just kidding. But seriously, I’ve got ‘em.

8.

Pepper Brooks: Effin’ A, Cotton, Effin’ A!

9.

Patches O’Houlihan: Son, you’re about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollipop!

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