Your Comprehensive Season Preview

With less than a week until kickoff, we figured we could go ahead and spoil the entire season for you. Here is your comprehensive season preview. With results! Just try to act surprised so you don’t ruin it for everyone else.

This game… wow. Only a few days away. We’ll have our usual non-informative preview tomorrow. But if you’re not excited for this game by now, you should probably go find another team.

Prediction: Tech wins, 28-27

Rating: Five Giggitys
The last time Marshall came to Blacksburg, it was a big game. That was back when they paid their players. Unfortunately for Herd fans, that practice has ceased, and the team kinda sucks now.

But it is still the home opener. Despite the million or so Hokies going to Atlanta, for many of us it will be the first time to see our boys play.

Prediction: Tech wins, 45-10

Rating: Two Giggitys

The biggest non-conference home game this year. Like Marshall, Nebraska used to be good. Granted, they were multiple-national-championships good, but I think the comparison stands.
Apparently their fans were pretty decent to the majority of Hokies fans we talked to, so let’s try to keep the WVU antics to a minimum.
Prediction: Tech wins, 27-14

Rating: Four Giggitys

Sweet lord, our September schedule is amazing. And Miami at home is always a good time. We really can’t wait to put a stop to all this “Miami is on their way back up” bull crap. I’m sure the dozen or so Canes fans will be left crying after this one is over.

Prediction: Tech wins, 35-6

Rating: Five Giggitys

At Duke
Why do we play this game? We’ve asked this every year, and have yet to find an answer.

Prediction: Tech wins by a lot.

Rating: One Giggity

Boston College
History will not repeat itself in this game, as we will prevail in the regular season contest against the Eagles. Plan on attending this game, if only to avoid watching 100 replays of that Matt Ryan doucher.

Prediction: Tech wins, 20-10

Rating: Four Giggitys

At Georgia Tech
This game is only important if you care about winning the ACC. Seriously, this is the game of the year.

Win, and Tech has the upper hand in the Division. Even with another loss (which won’t happen), we’ll still have the tie-breaker.

Lose, and our prediction will be wrong.

Prediction: Tech wins, 35 – 24

Rating: Five Giggitys UNC
Thursday night. Blacksburg. Game. Blouses.

Yeah yeah, UNC is the sleeper pick to win the ACC. You know the last time a sleeper pick worked out? 1999, and it was Tech in the National Championship game.

Prediction: Tech wins, 17 – 6

Rating: Four Giggitys At ECU
Sweet sassy molassey, this game is freaking stupid. Thursday night at ECU in November? Weaver has officially lost his mind. Whatevs.

Prediction: Tech wins, 18 – 12

Rating: Three Giggitys At Maryland
There will absolutely be more Tech fans at this game than Twerp fans. Hell, if you wanted to buy tickets for this game, the Maryland Athletic Department made you buy tickets to see the JMU game, every water polo match, and that new Tyler Perry movie. Sadly, the Fridge will have to drown his sorrows in a bucket of Ben and Jerry’s after this shellacking.

Prediction: Tech wins, 52 – 10

Rating: Three Giggitys

NC State
We kind of forgot they were in the ACC, to be honest with you.

Prediction: Tech wins, 38 – 17

Rating: Three Giggitys At UVA
See: Hatefest 2009

Prediction: Tech wins, 62 – 12

Rating: Four Giggitys

ACC Championship Game
We will most likely play Boston College, thus guaranteeing us a spot in the BCS National Championship.

Prediction: Tech wins, 31 – 14

Rating: Five Giggitys National Championship Game
From what we can gather, Tech will most likely be playing Notre Dame.

Prediction: Tech wins, 45 – 10

Rating: Five Giggitys


So there you have it, folks. Our entire season laid out.

Don’t tell anyone though, they might steal the sports almanac I brought back from the future. FYI, don’t bet on Pittsburgh to win the World Series this year.