HateFest 2009: Why we hate… Duke

They’re Duke. Isn’t that enough?

The Team:

Let’s just say the Duke football team should be nicknamed the Wet Paper Bags rather than the Blue Devils. Or the Rented Mules. Or the Red-Headed Stepchildren. You get the point. Duke has been awful in football for as long as it mattered and, to their credit, they realized this and basically gave up and shifted their focus to basketball.

Now to give them some credit, the Blue Devils have won 7 ACC Championships, however, the last one was a shared one with UVA in 1989 and Virginia ended up getting the bid to the Citrus Bowl, which was reserved for the ACC Champion. Prior to that, the last Duke ACC Championship was in 1962. Duke has not had a winning season since 1994, and within the last 20 years, Duke has only crossed that .500 line thrice. In 2006 the Dookies didn’t manage to win one game. Needless to say, Duke has not had much success in bowl games recently, mainly due to the inability to reach them.

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The Town:

Durham is a nice town. Friendly and as much a college town you could want. No qualms with them here.

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The Fans and Students and Alumni:

The fans are awful. If you try to tell them anything about their school that they don’t want to hear, the conversation immediately turns to how their basketball team has mopped the floor with your team, whoever it is. This is much like, if you remember, WVU fans. They have one argument and one argument only. They also like to claim that they’re really smart, yet some of the Duke grads I have met have been the dumbest people in the world. They could tell you how fast a ball would be traveling on the way down if you threw it 62 feet in the air with a 11 mph headwind, but have no clue what you mean by “half-past three”.

Duke’s fans are possibly the whiniest pain the ass fans ever. They get every GD call, and when they don’t get the 47th consecutive imaginary call of the half they throw a shitfit and say the refs are biased. They also have kids that act like this:


Duke has plenty of famous alumni who I won’t even go into mentioning because it would take too long. Most of them are self-righteous assholes though. Not all of them, mind you. We don’t like blanket generalizations here at the North End Zone. However, most of them are, in fact, assholes.

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Other:

Their basketball coach while a great coach, has a weird balding type haircut and has a very pursed face that looks like he has a lemon shoved up his pooper which makes him look just like Hitler.

Their rivalry with UNC is kind of funny, because UNC is as good a school as Duke, academically, yet is a cheaper public school, has hotter coeds, kicks their ass in every sport but basketball where they pretty much break even, has a nicer campus, and is overall a better university. I say this is a funny rivalry, because it is a rivalry in the same way that a mastiff and a Chihuahua would have a rivalry. UNC is the mastiff in this metaphor for all you Duke fans who couldn’t figure that out.

Duke was founded by Methodists and Quakers, two hell-fearing religions, and yet the mascot is a blue devil. Got me on that one.

And just in the nick of time, my beautiful and telepathically connected wife just sent me this hilarious link. This really is the most perfect way to end this post. Enjoy.

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